A New Day and the 'New' Me

I was surprised that it took a while to get to sleep last night. And that I woke at about 1am for no apparent reason (ie didn't wake in a hot sweat, no strange noises in the house). But then I returned to sleep easily and slept well.

Today was a new day for me, the first day of the rest of my life (well maybe some would count yesterday as that .. but 'I' wasn't back until part way through the day).

I noticed something different about me today. I am much less the pessimist that I have been. My glass is now decidedly half full, and yes, I can even see the glass (this hearkens back to a previous response of 'the glass is an illusion').

And I now think of possibilities. Today I found myself of thinking of the next time someone comes along ... note, I wasn't thinking IF someone comes along, or that no one else will ever come along, I was thinking about the NEXT time someone comes along. This is not the way I thought before.

I was less tense too.

I think the adrenalin levels have decreased substantially. The thought is in me that I will now put on weight.

There are still some of those physical responses in my body, but they are very much gentler than a week ago. I wonder whether this is how it is for 'normal' folk, everyday folk.

Passion and Love
And I thought about passion and love, and the comment I made only a few posts ago that if I didn't feel like that again I would miss it and feel that I was settling for something less.

Today that is not how it felt, what I thought about it. I was very comfortable with the idea of a slow easy love that builds over time rather than the utter explosion I had just experienced. (I do still hesitate to call what happened 'love' mind you).

And this is where the optimism kicked in - the reason I could now accept a slower easier type of love is because I am so grateful to have experienced that other; that absolute burning of desire and passion. This is not how I have felt before - before I only felt the loss of things, but now I can be thankful for having at least felt those things at some point.

And as I write this I am reminded of that well worn phrase, at which I have previously scoffed (and in remembering that, makes the difference in me now so obvious) "better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all". Today I can agree with that statement.


Amongst all this there are some undercurrents of thought occuring ...
Maybe I'm just on a high and this bubble will burst sometime,
Now that I am whole will my thinking be less clear.


And I have thought a little too about this blog. The blog has served its purpose - it has recorded my journey through darkness and forward into the light.

I will not be removing it, as it will serve me well to visit the past from time to time I'm sure.

Does it have a purpose now? Will I still feel like writing?

At various points in my life I have taken to writing when in times of crisis. It would seem this time of crisis is now over.

I do not want to fill the screen with fripperies of what I've eaten for breakfast.

I thank those who have read me for their presence and those who have commented and e-mailed for their thoughts, companionship and support.

Whether I am inclined to continue writing is yet to be seen.

Just for now this is not goodbye, just adieu and arrivaderci (til we see each other again).