On Being/Discovering My True Self

Discovering My True Self
Yes, I know, it is some peoples' life work to discover their true selves.

I do not expect this to be a short journey.

But I think perhaps there have been some clues along the part of the journey that I have already travelled.

There are those times that we feel very uncomfortable ... maybe this is an indication of a time when we are acting contrary to our true selves.

When have I felt uncomfortable ... well the body shaking episodes come immediately to mind. When I have written about them before I've wondered whether they indicate inner conflict. Again, maybe I have had more wisdom than that of which I was aware.

(As an aside I like that the deeper/more I look at these things the more I am, already, finding out about myself)

Let me look at those times I remember that happening (gentle congratulations of oneself for remembering to write about it in the blog!)

Maybe These Indicators of True Self Conflict?
Sitting With the Ex-partner
I think I was consciously stopping myself from being my normally compassionate (to him) self. I did this to avoid allowing myself to continue/return to being dragged onto the rollercoaster once again. It was in contradiction to my true self though.

Wish I'd written more about it at the time so as to recall more precisely what was going on when the shaking occured. I think the above is right but am not absolutely certain.

More Recently
I had removed myself from a situation that I strongly wanted to experience - and which I think I needed to experience to enable me to progress further along my journey to being a whole/real/normal person. As it turned out I don't think I would be in the space I am today if I had simply continued on and gone home and not had that experience. What was the experience? Opening myself totally to another.


And this brings me to wonder whether it is ever right to act in discordance with ones' true self. In the first instance above I was protecting myself from further hurt/turmoil. But isn't it through these things that one grows? Is it ever right to not be compassionate?

In the second instance I was again running away (as I had said to him I felt like doing on a number of earlier occassions, but he kept telling me to stay) ... it was (for me, in the end) better to stand my ground and have the experience, else I would not be where I am today (which is, it feels, a much better place than I have been in the past)


As an adjunct, I don't know if I'm on the right track with any of the above, but it kinda feels right. I also get the feeling this is pretty much how this journey will go - that I wont really know, until I really know.

Anyone Got A Map?
I have thought about the journey on which I am about to embark and whether it might be useful to seek some assistance. I know I am not the first person to make this journey (well duhhh!) and perhaps it will smooth over some bumps if I have a map to follow (hmm something else he taught me - that maps can be useful in these matters).

Having looked at a variety of web sites etc about discovering our true selves I see there are many different ways/paths by which one can travel, Buddhism seeming to be one of the major ones (please excuse my ignorance if that is not the case/not what Buddhism is about, this is only after a fairly cursory look). How to choose one out of the many?

I will start by not choosing any one way or path.

Many seem to have in common the practice of meditation.

Even within this one practice there seem to be many different methods. I will start with the most basic/simplest.

So this is how I will start. 5 minutes meditation each morning when I wake. (I wonder whether this is, at least in part, what I did last night/when I have candle time)

Interesting side note: the physical sensations have eased off substantially today. Whether it has anything to do with todays thoughts I have no idea.

Part of me also finds this is all very much in the thinking realm, and I find myself worrying whether my emotional self is being closed off/shut out ... I hope not, but yet to be known.