I'm continuing to chat with two of the 4 that I mentioned previously. I think one of them has gotten a little 'excited' - he says it is the best start he has ever had in 'meeting' someone from the meeting site. I have to admit to myself that on Sunday when we first communicated - messaged throughout the day and then chatted in IM in the evening for a long time) - that I started to get a bit excited too; I thought it might be good to meet this person.
But I have to stop and think why it was/what it was that got me feeling excited. I don't want to create false hope in the other person.
The excitement could be because:
1. This is new (meeting people) - kid in a candy shop kind of thing. I'd have to say this is a definate possibility.
2. I get on well with this person.
We chat fine. The conversation flows reasonably well and isn't forced. He's not quite as articulate as I'd like but at least he tries and is doing an ok job of it.
I wonder whether some of it is just that we were both available during the whole day to talk.
What is it I am looking for - what is my motivation?
A. Fill a hole? (ie rebound/replacement)
I don't *think* so. I don't feel as though there is a hole in my heart. But what happened just recently is still fairly close, not far enough in the past to dismiss this as a possibilty. See Selfishness below ...
B. Widen my social life
Yes definately ... people to chat to. But with what purpose I ask myself? Not sure. Maybe just because I've put my head up, am widening my horizons .... keeps bringing me back to why though ...
I don't feel lonely ... so it's not that.
Thy why isn't so important to ME, but I think I need to know what it is so that I don't give a false impression to others, so I don't raise anyones' hopes unnecessarily (not so much that *I* raise their hopes, just that their hopes don't get raised). I don't know how much notice is taken of the fact that on the meeting ppl sites that I have indicated I am looking for friendship only. See C. A Partner below
C. A partner
Am I looking for a partner?? It doesn't feel as though I am. I don't have a burning desire/need to find someone to share my life with. I'm not feeling alone/lonely, I'm not feeling that I am missing something.
I do know though that we can be looking for something without even realising it.
D. Selfishness
I am a bit concerned that I want to be/am looking for something very selfish .... that it would be 'quite nice' to have a person in my life who makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel good/special, who will be gentle and kind, caring,respectiful and considerate of me, take my hand oh so gently, caress me ....
Gah :( having written that down and become lost in though I realise those are all the things he was. Am I just missing him? It doesn't feel like I'm missing him, but I have to admit that it reads like it.
The reason I use the term 'selfish' here is because I don't know that I'm ready to be/do those things with someone else. But I guess that's what 'the right' person is all about - if it's the right person then you want to do/be those things with/for them.
arrrghhh so does that mean I'm looking for the 'right' person?
I have no idea
On Another Note
I allowed the flames to consume me for a while this afternoon. Just gentle licks of warmth flowing over me - not raging scarey tongues of fire. It was very soothing, though emotional.
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