Reflections

I had decided to have some quiet time last night; I felt that I needed it without having anything in particular in mind on which to ponder .

So I lit a candle, put on some music and lay on the couch.

I miss him and I miss it - that indefinable chemistry - but most of all I miss the opportunity to have explored and see where it might have gone. As I lay there I remembered him touching me and tears flowed. Those surging sensations in my body bringing a fresh flow of tears with each surge. And again the thought comes that it will never be like that again, and it wont be, because they will not be him. So caring, compassionate and respectful of me and my feelings, it doesn't feel as though anyone else would be like that, because we had history ... long ago though it was .. there won't be another with whom I have that.

And I wondered at myself - last week so content and happy to have had the joy of the experience, this week feeling the loss. Is this a cycle I am going to move through? I thought the revelation I had last weekend meant I was on the forward path, but maybe that's not so - maybe it is, I dont know, it is yet to be seen.

And still there is no feeling of guilt. I try my utmost to root out why this is (because it seems that I *should* be feeling guilty). Is it simply repressed and will come at a later time? Is it because I am cut off and out of contact? Is it because he had taken responsibility for whatever may happen in his relationship? Is it because he had decided of his own volition, in full knowledge? Is it because of the good things that have come out it (I have to guess this on his behalf, as I do not know how things have transpired for him)? I fail to come to any understanding.

The Park
And today my heart wanted to be at the park again, so I went. I don't expect to see him there, I just needed to be there.

Sat on the blanket thinking, more thinking than remembering. Thinking about things said .... what wisdom is it he believes I have, was he meaning my comments that I should bow out so he could concentrate on his relationship? About his relationship being segregated from the rest of his life? Or other things.

I come to think that on that Sunday night that he had already decided that he would follow his heart if I also chose to do so. I commented during our chatting before I left to go home that his voice was deeper ... it wasn't light and airy as it had been on the other occassions; an indicator perhaps of his having decided. I didn't pursue it though - just commented on it at the time. It was me who had to choose though, he would not force it upon me ... and choose I did when I hit the round-a-bout and went back the way I had come. I remember he said, at some point after, that I had had to choose.

Humanity
And I come to think about emotions and the feelings. And I wonder why it is that it is considered wrong, by many, to follow those things. If they are so wrong then why do we experience them at all? Why is it that we are meant to repress them, squash them down and try to ignore them?

The thought comes to me that the reason some would give is because this is what makes us different to animals; that we do not simply follow our animalistic urges and instincts. That we are able to choose. But are we not just animals, simply of a different ilk?

Yes we can choose to not follow our urges and instincts, but is this necessarily a good thing? I think back to my gut feelings, and how often it has been shown to me that it is wrong not to take heed when it makes itself felt. Is it the same with emotions and urges? No, I guess not always, but I had no gut feeling that what we were about to do/did was wrong. What is there to guide us when there is no gut reaction/instinct?

And then it comes to me, again, the thought that I have had before - that it is wrong if it harms another (this is one reason why we have societal laws). But what other is it that we have a duty to be respectful of? Every other person on the planet (impossible!), or just the one with whom we interact directly ... and it is up to them to be respectful of the ones with whom they interact. Yes, I think that might be right, and maybe this is why there is no guilt for me.

Reasons
And I come to think of my thoughts as to why he had come into my life at that particular time. And I realise that if I am true to my belief that there is no almighty being, that there is no 'master plan' that I must not look to their being a reason why things happen.

There is no reason why things happen. They just do.

And that if I believe this then I cannot believe in karma either.

As humans we seem to be cursed to find a reason in/for everything .. that thought of 'why did this happen (to me)'? I've written about this before; I have been in this mindset myself. I find now that it is perhaps not useful; that it is indeed a futile search.

For a short while this thought - that there is no reason why things happen - is very freeing. But I soon after find myself thinking that it is a very unfulfilling thing - if things happen for no reason then what is our reason for being .... and then laugh at myself because here I am already once again looking for a reason.

Learning Through Experience
Whilst things may happen for no reason at all that does not mean that we cannot/should not learn from the experience.

This is what I try to do.


And all of me hopes and wishes that he and I will meet again, sometime, somewhere, and we can sit and laugh and chat and just enjoy.


If there is no reason for our being, no reason for our life, then why shouldn't it be simply to be happy.