So Much

So many thoughts in my head, so many things I want to record. Even though the brain seems to be in full swing my body continues the relentless responses even in the absence of the stimulus.

Karma
Karma entered my mind ... maybe this is my karma for what happened/ how I reacted 4 years ago. Maybe I've experienced this so I can look with more compassion at my ex-partner, for how can a person experience those feelings and not be seduced by them. But no, I don't think that's right because I was compassionate to him, I said to his face that I would not deny him feeling that way because it was such a good feeling (and have now had it re-confirmed to me just how true that is). I did not require that he squash down/not experience the feelings; so that cannot be it.

Triangles
Having experienced triangles from four perspectives now ... the one who cheats, the one who indulges with the knowledge of their partner and allows their partner to do likewise, the one who has been cheated on, and the one with whom someone else cheated (I almost changed the word cheated to 'be unfaithful', but that's not correct because in the middle two I was still faithful in my heart, and committed, to my partner) .. what can I learn from these experiences?

I'm not sure that I can say anything other than the fact that it shows me I can and will be tempted, and will give in to that, and that I am not alone in this. The fact that one or more of those situations is/was more damaging to me than the others ... I do not feel that has any message in it, because it involves individual personalities and every person is different - therefore I do not feel it useful to apply any lessons learned from those experiences to experiences that may occur in the future as they will be with different people, who will behave differently than those with whom I was involved in the past.

Maybe this is the only other thing I can gain from these experiences - that people are different to each other. The only other constant is me and the fact that I will give in.

His Decision
I wander down the pathway and look at the different roads that his ponderings may have taken him in making his decision.

Is it because this is the least damaging decision for him? The only decision with which he would be able to survive? No, I don't think so, I don't believe he has it in him to be that selfish.

Is it because he is so deeply committed to his relationship? This is a possibility.

Perhaps because it's safer to stay with the tried and known rather than skip off towards the unknown horizon? I don't think he is that kind of person.

Is it because this is the only way he could keep his promise to not allow me to be the one who comes between? Possible.

Is it out of guilt? Possible. Though I hope this is not the reason; it is the worst possible reason to try maintain/sustain/retain the relationship. My own ex-partner new this, and so did I. (Guilt over my pain made him say he would stay, but he wasn't committed to me).

Does/Is He?
Is he concentrating on his relationship, has he truly devoided himself of me, when will he open his chest, does he suffer the feelings as do I (sadness there as it will make it difficult for him). I so want to offer him comfort, but cannot. I could write more under this heading but must stop myself.

His MLC
He saw his MLC not as a test but as an opportunity to examine various parts of his life and make changes so that it moved more in the directions that he wanted it to take rather than just the road it happened to have gone down. Ever the optimist, even amongst the shaking voice and tears he could say he was glad this eruption had occurred as there had been much dissatisfaction on both sides in the relationship - and I believe he sees this as good, that these things have been revealed, so that now they can be discussed and worked on, and hopefully resolved.

Passion and ... the like
And so onto passion. So many thoughts and ponderings about this.

What is it, what makes it happen? Wanderings on the 'net don't provide much in the way of useful answers even though there is quite a lot written about it - seems perhaps it is one of those things about which we havenot yet discovered everything - we haven't been able to put our finger on what make this feeling arise.

I don't think it is something we can make happen/create in ourselves, it is something that either is there or is not. Yes, I know passionate love does not last, but it has its part to play in the development of a relationship. It brings and holds people together, and whilst it lasts other, longer-term emotions/relationship bases can develop - or don't.

Which begs the question - were we developing a relationship? Of course we were, a relationship of some kind is developed with any person with whom we interact. Would it have developed further? I think there is a possibility of this (and perhaps that is what is making this so hard for me) ... he said things that indicated to me that he was entering what, to me at least is/was, very dangerous territory - the L word. And that just starts me down a whole different track of thinking ... would that have happened, was it turning into a love relationship, would it have lasted, would I wanted to have tried, particularly as I felt I wasn't ready for it, what would it have been like .... but I will not go down that path right now, it's too hard a road for me to travel down at present and I know it is a dead end anyway.

So back to passion. Perhaps this experience has come to show him that passion was missing in his relationship. I noticed when he spoke of his relationship he didn't speak of emotions, he didn't speak of it in a 'feeling' way. He spoke about his relationship in precisely the same way my ex-partner and I used to ... it was all about the committment. It's natural in a relationship of that length (his relationship) that passion would have passed. It is written all over the place about how to bring passion back into a relationship ... but I am unconvinced that that is possible.

So what purpose is there of this feeling? Why does it happen to us - even when we are settled in a relationship. Is it just to unsettle us? Surely not. Does it indicate what I have suspected before - that we are not meant for long term monogamous relationships? I don't know. Why have this feeling, that is so overpowering, only to have to reject it, disallow it, have to control it.

So many of the well worn phrases are appropriate to how it was - there was a spark between us, a chemisty, a fire ... all these things are how passion is described. But what caused it?????? Was it because he had subconscious/only just conscious disatisfaction with his relationship? I don't believe so. Was it because of our past history .. I should say my past history as he had been unaware of my feelings back in school. What is it that creates that feeling between people?



So many thoughts, so few answers, no conclusions, no lessons for me yet.

Maybe life is not about lessons, maybe it's just about experiencing .... I've had enough thanks.