(This post is post-time stamped so that it will appear in the correct place)

I was Wrong
The comment I made at the end of the post prior to this one is/was wrong.

I didn't blow it. This was my chance and I took it (even though I had to be prompted to stay so I could take it, by another, it was still up to me, he said so himself 'you had to choose').


I have had such a revelation, transformation today.

It came as I wrote an e-mail to a cyber friend with whom I chatted last Monday night. In the e-mail I was apologising for the state I had been in and using him simply as a distraction from my grief. Then I wrote a particular line and suddenly all became clear. This is what I wrote:


My heart has been opened.


And right there, right then I knew, without a doubt, that this was true (that lump in the throat I had felt on the morning of the dream was back, and almost suffocating me!).

My heart has been opened. My heart is back on board. I am a whole person once more. The girl I used to be is back - not just half of her, all of her.

I have been overwhelmed (brought to tears) by this a lot of times today. Not tears of sadness, nor even really tears of joy. Perhaps they are tears of relief. Relief that this is finally over, that I am finally ready to move on ('bout bloody time I hear you say)

I don't know why it took until today for this realisation to come. It certainly was not there earlier in the week and it was not there yesterday.

Wisdom
I think and look back to things I have written and am astonished at my own wisdom. It's strange how you can write the words but not really understand the truth within them.

To Get Elsewhere (ie to progress)
I e-mailed him a document, very early on in the piece (one week + one day from his first e-mail) in which I wrote the words:
"But this is me, this is who I am, maybe this is what I have to go through to get elsewhere."

It seems to me now that this statement was so accurate that it is scarey.

Because It Was Him
I can't find the first time that this thought occured to me - that it would be ok because it was him (him in particular as opposed to any other him that might have come along). But I definately had the feeling that it would be ok, that he would 'look after' me - and indeed I am ok, and he most certainly did look after me; caring, gentle and considerate about my feelings and confusion.

Asking for What you Need
At one point, when our communication had become clumsy and the road had become rather rocky and difficult I included a note for him to please persevere with me. (Found it - it was two weeks after first contact)

Today, in writing the e-mail to the cyber-friend (mentioned near the top of this post), I reviewed discussions he (the cyber-friend) and I had back in December/January of this year. He kept referring to me as being Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel and the knight who would have to hack away at the thorns and monsters to come save me from my seclusion.

This was not in my mind when I wrote the email that mentioned perserverence, but it was exactly what was needed, and I am so fortunate and grateful that he did (persevere).

Why Did We Meet?
Another thing I pondered, and asked, from rather early on was 'why has he come into my life at this point in time'.
Little did I know he was to be my Knight, but obviously I was aware somehow, somewhere inside of me, that this was important, that him coming into my life was important.

Perhaps I came into his life for a reason too - this is something that has only more recently come to light, something of which he had been unaware ... that maybe this was something he had to go through too so that his relationship with his partner could progress.

Going/Staying
This is his unknown wisdom at work - I kept saying that I would bow out if he felt it would help. He kept saying I should stay.

If I had not stayed I would not be where I am now - I would still be locked away in that castle and heaven only knows when another Knight such as he would have come along to save me from myself.

But I must have had some wisdom here too, because I did stay, I did not run away (which I often felt the need to do - and could have done at any point). I stood and faced it - the rocky scarey road, because of his gentle guidance and the hand he held out to help me navigate the rocks and pitfalls.


There are others I am certain. But for now I must away to my bed and sleep, and sleep I surely know that I will.

Because I am at peace, because I am whole, because I finally can be me again.