Woke hot and sweaty three times last night. Finally removed one of the doonas and slept the rest of the night ok. Had gone to bed early-ish, was awake before the alarm. Wore winter PJs.
related to the poor ending to the chat with LV maybe?
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Jung and Type
Just finished a book I had picked up at the library earlier this week "Self Discovery the Jungian Way". I'd only got part way through it when I hit the 'what am I doing?' point this week.
Funny how things keep coming back ... I had introduced two ppl that I had been chatting with to the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator) in the last two weeks. Having just finished (well, I skimmed, and I mean *reall* skimmed the last few chapters) the book I was pretty stunned to find it was all about type .... silly me, had forgotten that MBTI is based on Jungian theories of type.
But it was helpful to read about Type from a more psychological perspective than I have come across before (my exposure to MBTI was in a business environment).
The part I found particularly useful was the explanation of how our inferior (as in - lesser favoured) ways of being are/can be expressed.
I am of the Thinking Type .... Feeling being it's inferior/other end of the scale. Particular passages of the book indicate that if Thinking is your favoured/developed way then Feeling may come out in childish/undeveloped ways.
This is when I had one of those 'ah ha!' moments - I love those moments - when suddenly something becomes clear and understood.
So this may be what is going on. This I can understand. This is something I can work with. This is not now so scarey.
I'm so glad I decided to lay on the couch and read some more!
Funny how things keep coming back ... I had introduced two ppl that I had been chatting with to the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator) in the last two weeks. Having just finished (well, I skimmed, and I mean *reall* skimmed the last few chapters) the book I was pretty stunned to find it was all about type .... silly me, had forgotten that MBTI is based on Jungian theories of type.
But it was helpful to read about Type from a more psychological perspective than I have come across before (my exposure to MBTI was in a business environment).
The part I found particularly useful was the explanation of how our inferior (as in - lesser favoured) ways of being are/can be expressed.
I am of the Thinking Type .... Feeling being it's inferior/other end of the scale. Particular passages of the book indicate that if Thinking is your favoured/developed way then Feeling may come out in childish/undeveloped ways.
This is when I had one of those 'ah ha!' moments - I love those moments - when suddenly something becomes clear and understood.
So this may be what is going on. This I can understand. This is something I can work with. This is not now so scarey.
I'm so glad I decided to lay on the couch and read some more!
Maybe
Just looked back at some old posts about being stuck and about how life was during that time.
Life was only about fulfilling responsibilities - nothing in it that was just 'for me'.
Maybe this is what chatting with others is about - doing something that is not just a responsibility, a something that I have to do; doing something that is just for me.
Life was only about fulfilling responsibilities - nothing in it that was just 'for me'.
Maybe this is what chatting with others is about - doing something that is not just a responsibility, a something that I have to do; doing something that is just for me.
Stream of Consciousness ( ramblings)
And I come today to ponder on what it is that I am 'moving on' from.
Perhaps if I can work this out my current personal dilemna/crisis of self will be resolved.
On that day of wholeness I had the feeling that I was ready to 'move on', to progress from the place that I had been stuck.
Where is it that I was stuck? I was stuck in the past obviously. During the time of being stuck I even wrote about knowing what it was that I needed to do to 'move on' - get out, socialise, take a risk; but couldn't bring myself to do those things - was not ready. Obviously on the day of wholeness I felt that I was ready.
But what is it about those things .. (socialising etc, even if only via chatting online!) ... maybe it's because it means opening myself to possibilities (added later: - particularly the one about taking risks - taking what risks ... would seem to me it's about taking the risk of opening myself to another ... of putting myself in the position of being vulnerable .. which would all seem to be about love/partnering).
The possibility of what though? Obvious answer seems to be 'the possibility of connecting with someone'. Maybe making friends? But I've not been one to have, or seem to need, to have a large circle of friends. Maybe to find someone just to 'do stuff' with, as I know I'm not the kind to go places by myself. But do I want to 'get busy' and start doing a whole lot of stuff/going to lots of things ... hmmm no.
Why is this so important though??? Why can't 'moving on' just be a matter of continuing on in my quiet life without wallowing in the mud of the past? Hmmm I don't really feel as though I was still wallowing though. But why does it have to involve others?
Possibles:
* to me the measure of our life is our relationships with people (as opposed to material gain/assets)
* hmmm nothing else is coming to mind.
* wait, is our relationships with people really the measure of our life? If the meaning/purpose of my life is to be happy, then surely that means the measure of it is my own happiness. Does that mean I see my happiness as being linked to my interactions with others? - it seems to read that way. Why would that be the case, seeing as I know it is up to me to be happy, rather than have my happiness created by the presence of others (or any other external factors for that matter).
* maybe I just see interacting with others as an indication of participating in life (as opposed to being in seclusion)
But we are not isolated individuals. We live in the world, in which there are others. We are not an island; just living requires interaction with others. Flash thought - is this to do with my 'helping others' nature .. hmm no, doesn't appear to be so.
I'm not getting anywhere, fast. Maybe I could just go with the flow, do what feels right (uh oh - uh oh cos that's where the confusion lies) ... not wait until I am ready (as I've written before) ... just do it ... because. It felt like the right thing to do - to interact with others. But now I am not as certain. Right now it does not feel like the right thing to do.
I guess it's an ok thing to do as long as I am clear on what it is I'm doing. I seem to be clear that all I am doing is very simply interacting with others. I am not looking for anything or anyone, I am simply interacting. Hmm am I clear on that ... after reading back the above I'm not so sure. Maybe that's all I need to do - to be clear with myself that that is all I am doing - interacting, and see what goes from there. hmmm that would seem to be exactly what I was doing. So why the hiccough?
Ack, and that's where I step in and say 'but what about the others' - what effect will that have on them. In saying that I mean dealing with one as confused as me. For all of my awareness I am still so confused.
But is being confused such a bad thing, really? Or is it merely an indication of a time of growing and learning (thoughts of the term 'consciously incompetent') ...
(just added the 'added later' bit to the paragraph about possibilites .... maybe the risk taking thing is where I should concentrate my thinking/feelings)
Someone pass the clarity would you please?
Time to do something physical as all this thinking doesn't really seem to be getting me anywhere just now .... just as well the lawn needs mowing!
Perhaps if I can work this out my current personal dilemna/crisis of self will be resolved.
On that day of wholeness I had the feeling that I was ready to 'move on', to progress from the place that I had been stuck.
Where is it that I was stuck? I was stuck in the past obviously. During the time of being stuck I even wrote about knowing what it was that I needed to do to 'move on' - get out, socialise, take a risk; but couldn't bring myself to do those things - was not ready. Obviously on the day of wholeness I felt that I was ready.
But what is it about those things .. (socialising etc, even if only via chatting online!) ... maybe it's because it means opening myself to possibilities (added later: - particularly the one about taking risks - taking what risks ... would seem to me it's about taking the risk of opening myself to another ... of putting myself in the position of being vulnerable .. which would all seem to be about love/partnering).
The possibility of what though? Obvious answer seems to be 'the possibility of connecting with someone'. Maybe making friends? But I've not been one to have, or seem to need, to have a large circle of friends. Maybe to find someone just to 'do stuff' with, as I know I'm not the kind to go places by myself. But do I want to 'get busy' and start doing a whole lot of stuff/going to lots of things ... hmmm no.
Why is this so important though??? Why can't 'moving on' just be a matter of continuing on in my quiet life without wallowing in the mud of the past? Hmmm I don't really feel as though I was still wallowing though. But why does it have to involve others?
Possibles:
* to me the measure of our life is our relationships with people (as opposed to material gain/assets)
* hmmm nothing else is coming to mind.
* wait, is our relationships with people really the measure of our life? If the meaning/purpose of my life is to be happy, then surely that means the measure of it is my own happiness. Does that mean I see my happiness as being linked to my interactions with others? - it seems to read that way. Why would that be the case, seeing as I know it is up to me to be happy, rather than have my happiness created by the presence of others (or any other external factors for that matter).
* maybe I just see interacting with others as an indication of participating in life (as opposed to being in seclusion)
But we are not isolated individuals. We live in the world, in which there are others. We are not an island; just living requires interaction with others. Flash thought - is this to do with my 'helping others' nature .. hmm no, doesn't appear to be so.
I'm not getting anywhere, fast. Maybe I could just go with the flow, do what feels right (uh oh - uh oh cos that's where the confusion lies) ... not wait until I am ready (as I've written before) ... just do it ... because. It felt like the right thing to do - to interact with others. But now I am not as certain. Right now it does not feel like the right thing to do.
I guess it's an ok thing to do as long as I am clear on what it is I'm doing. I seem to be clear that all I am doing is very simply interacting with others. I am not looking for anything or anyone, I am simply interacting. Hmm am I clear on that ... after reading back the above I'm not so sure. Maybe that's all I need to do - to be clear with myself that that is all I am doing - interacting, and see what goes from there. hmmm that would seem to be exactly what I was doing. So why the hiccough?
Ack, and that's where I step in and say 'but what about the others' - what effect will that have on them. In saying that I mean dealing with one as confused as me. For all of my awareness I am still so confused.
But is being confused such a bad thing, really? Or is it merely an indication of a time of growing and learning (thoughts of the term 'consciously incompetent') ...
(just added the 'added later' bit to the paragraph about possibilites .... maybe the risk taking thing is where I should concentrate my thinking/feelings)
Someone pass the clarity would you please?
Time to do something physical as all this thinking doesn't really seem to be getting me anywhere just now .... just as well the lawn needs mowing!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Emotional Me
I was in a very emotional state last night, thankfully today was better.
A couple of days ago a comment was made to me as to whether chatting with ppl was hindering me from being able to process the emotions I have been going through - hindering because in discussion with (some of) these folk I am (rationally/logically) analysing the feelings/emotions; and perhaps trying to look at emotions from a logical point of view doesn't assist the process.
After a very short period of pondering this I started to feel that it was perhaps unfair on those to whom I have been chatting to have to deal with one as mixed up as me, and by Friday I had lost all perspective as to why it is that I had decided to start chatting with ppl. I really dislike not knowing why I am doing something; I don't like not understanding 'me'.
I went into 'panic' mode and advised the folk I'd 'met' on the dating/meeting ppl sites that I was going to withdraw for a time, and back to the castle I ran, as fast as I could.
Last night and today I have been undertaking some reading. Reading about the emotional self, emotional processing, wholeness and the like.
A lot of it I don't find useful at all. My conflicts are between my logical/rational self and my emotional self - it's not that I am denying my feelings, or unaware of them, or unable to express them. It is simply that my emotional self wants to do one thing and my logical self says 'no, that's not the right thing to do'.
And it's not just the fact that it's the 'emotional' self either that is the problem. It's not about the whole range of emotions. It's that stuff about love, sex, lust, desire ... *that* is what was awoken in me, or at least I think that's right. But is that right? How is it that the future now exists, whereas before it did not, if love etc is all it was about? How can it be that I have become less dedicated to my job now, because now 'life' is more important to me than work. Can those things be put down to a re-awakening of ONLY the love etc part of me? Or is it more??
Emotional self wants to melt into someones' (that's a general someone, as opposed to any particular someone) arms and be told it's ok. Rational/logical self says that is weak and distasteful; that I can, and should be able to, do this myself, without 'needing' anyone else.
Emotional self wants to flirt, be cheeky and playful. Logical self says that's dangerous, can give ppl the wrong impression.
Emotional self wants to stay in contact with that recent him; logical self has issues of it's own here - if it's hidden then it can't be good/right/appropriate, but to remove oneself is to abandon a friend in a time of need, and *that* isn't good/right/appropriate.
Emotional self wants to be made love to. Logical self just has no idea whether 'we' are ready for a relationship - or what kind of relationship.
Emotional self seems very undisciplined. Logical self doesn't like that, logical self sees discipline (which is just another word for control) as being good/appropriate.
Seems to be that perhaps emotional self is rather selfish. Logical self doesn't like the idea of ones self being selfish. Selfishness isn't a trait logical self likes at all.
So, the readings didn't particularly help me work anything out, as they are aimed at a differing set of symptoms than mine (at least that's how it seemed to me during the reading).
Perhaps the only conflict is truly the one of discipline. The fact that emotional self is not disciplined and logical self wants to exert control. Ahhh, and then I come back to a question I have asked before - is it right to control our emotions .... is it being true to myself to control my emotional impulses.
Being Me
hmm this being me back to how can I be me if these are both parts of me. How do I find the balance between allowing my emotional self to 'be' and satisfying the logical selfs' need for control and appropriateness (in what I chat about with others and 'how' I chat with others).
Do I go back and start chatting but in a different way? How would it be different? I guess it would have to be a lot less open. Hmm I don't like that idea at all; that's NOT ME!
I'm not getting far with that so let's move on ...
What is My Purpose in Chatting/Meeting Ppl?
I seem to have lost sight of just why it is that I started chatting to folk, so I need to rehash this.
I'd been in seclusion for a long time. Then whatever it was that happened, happened. And I decided it was time to put myself out into the world. To me that means interacting with people. That's what chatting is about - putting myself out into the world, interacting with people. Nothing more and nothing less.
But why - why interact with people? What is so important about interacting with people for me?
Is it so I can find a partner? - no I don't think so.
Is it perhaps so that I am out there, in the world, in case a partner type person comes along - I have to say that is a possibility.
Is it so that emotional self has a chance of finding someones' arms to melt into, to be made love to? Possibility.
Logical self says it's because it's healty to interact with others. And healthy to discuss ones' issues with others as they may have inputs that help; differing external perspectives that might help.
Maybe it's for acceptance? To feel accepted by others? Is it a self esteem thing? Maybe it is.
The one of those that 'feels' right is the very simple - putting myself out there in the world. So maybe the dating type sites were not the best thing to do, because it gives the impression that one is looking for a partner. Hmmmmm
OK, I dont seem to have resolved a heck of a lot, but I sure am feeling a lot better about myself right now - thank the fictional deities for that!
A couple of days ago a comment was made to me as to whether chatting with ppl was hindering me from being able to process the emotions I have been going through - hindering because in discussion with (some of) these folk I am (rationally/logically) analysing the feelings/emotions; and perhaps trying to look at emotions from a logical point of view doesn't assist the process.
After a very short period of pondering this I started to feel that it was perhaps unfair on those to whom I have been chatting to have to deal with one as mixed up as me, and by Friday I had lost all perspective as to why it is that I had decided to start chatting with ppl. I really dislike not knowing why I am doing something; I don't like not understanding 'me'.
I went into 'panic' mode and advised the folk I'd 'met' on the dating/meeting ppl sites that I was going to withdraw for a time, and back to the castle I ran, as fast as I could.
Last night and today I have been undertaking some reading. Reading about the emotional self, emotional processing, wholeness and the like.
A lot of it I don't find useful at all. My conflicts are between my logical/rational self and my emotional self - it's not that I am denying my feelings, or unaware of them, or unable to express them. It is simply that my emotional self wants to do one thing and my logical self says 'no, that's not the right thing to do'.
And it's not just the fact that it's the 'emotional' self either that is the problem. It's not about the whole range of emotions. It's that stuff about love, sex, lust, desire ... *that* is what was awoken in me, or at least I think that's right. But is that right? How is it that the future now exists, whereas before it did not, if love etc is all it was about? How can it be that I have become less dedicated to my job now, because now 'life' is more important to me than work. Can those things be put down to a re-awakening of ONLY the love etc part of me? Or is it more??
Emotional self wants to melt into someones' (that's a general someone, as opposed to any particular someone) arms and be told it's ok. Rational/logical self says that is weak and distasteful; that I can, and should be able to, do this myself, without 'needing' anyone else.
Emotional self wants to flirt, be cheeky and playful. Logical self says that's dangerous, can give ppl the wrong impression.
Emotional self wants to stay in contact with that recent him; logical self has issues of it's own here - if it's hidden then it can't be good/right/appropriate, but to remove oneself is to abandon a friend in a time of need, and *that* isn't good/right/appropriate.
Emotional self wants to be made love to. Logical self just has no idea whether 'we' are ready for a relationship - or what kind of relationship.
Emotional self seems very undisciplined. Logical self doesn't like that, logical self sees discipline (which is just another word for control) as being good/appropriate.
Seems to be that perhaps emotional self is rather selfish. Logical self doesn't like the idea of ones self being selfish. Selfishness isn't a trait logical self likes at all.
So, the readings didn't particularly help me work anything out, as they are aimed at a differing set of symptoms than mine (at least that's how it seemed to me during the reading).
Perhaps the only conflict is truly the one of discipline. The fact that emotional self is not disciplined and logical self wants to exert control. Ahhh, and then I come back to a question I have asked before - is it right to control our emotions .... is it being true to myself to control my emotional impulses.
Being Me
hmm this being me back to how can I be me if these are both parts of me. How do I find the balance between allowing my emotional self to 'be' and satisfying the logical selfs' need for control and appropriateness (in what I chat about with others and 'how' I chat with others).
Do I go back and start chatting but in a different way? How would it be different? I guess it would have to be a lot less open. Hmm I don't like that idea at all; that's NOT ME!
I'm not getting far with that so let's move on ...
What is My Purpose in Chatting/Meeting Ppl?
I seem to have lost sight of just why it is that I started chatting to folk, so I need to rehash this.
I'd been in seclusion for a long time. Then whatever it was that happened, happened. And I decided it was time to put myself out into the world. To me that means interacting with people. That's what chatting is about - putting myself out into the world, interacting with people. Nothing more and nothing less.
But why - why interact with people? What is so important about interacting with people for me?
Is it so I can find a partner? - no I don't think so.
Is it perhaps so that I am out there, in the world, in case a partner type person comes along - I have to say that is a possibility.
Is it so that emotional self has a chance of finding someones' arms to melt into, to be made love to? Possibility.
Logical self says it's because it's healty to interact with others. And healthy to discuss ones' issues with others as they may have inputs that help; differing external perspectives that might help.
Maybe it's for acceptance? To feel accepted by others? Is it a self esteem thing? Maybe it is.
The one of those that 'feels' right is the very simple - putting myself out there in the world. So maybe the dating type sites were not the best thing to do, because it gives the impression that one is looking for a partner. Hmmmmm
OK, I dont seem to have resolved a heck of a lot, but I sure am feeling a lot better about myself right now - thank the fictional deities for that!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Gak, Gah arrghhhh
Oh how I long for that feeling of that day of 'wholeness'.
I have fallen back to not being whole; there is no balalance, I have no idea what 'appropriate' is; the two sides or me are in total opposition.
I wonder what the hell it is I am doing - this 'being out in the world' thing. Have removed myself from all the dating sites and told those with whom I had been chatting that I would be disappearing from their screens for a while.
I had a moment of clarity today - it lasted all of about 5 minutes - as to what it is that I have been doing, what the purpose is of me putting myself out in the world and interacting with people. But 15 minutes later I had no idea what the thought had been.
I am confused by that worse of all thing by which to be confused - myself :(
I feel mixed up, not right, not ok. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know how to find the balance ...
Part of me longs so much to melt into anothers' arms and be told that 'everything will be ok' and in the next second I am thinking how weak that is; that I should be able to stand on my own two feet and work this out myself, without help, without assistance, without needing another there to do the hand holding and soothing when things get tough and confusing.
People admire my 'awareness', but for me, I sometimes truly wish I was not so aware. How much easier would it be just to float through life 'not caring', not having to work through this shit, not even being aware that it exists.
There is no balance; there is no middle ground. I cannot find it.
Back to the castle for me it seems.
I have fallen back to not being whole; there is no balalance, I have no idea what 'appropriate' is; the two sides or me are in total opposition.
I wonder what the hell it is I am doing - this 'being out in the world' thing. Have removed myself from all the dating sites and told those with whom I had been chatting that I would be disappearing from their screens for a while.
I had a moment of clarity today - it lasted all of about 5 minutes - as to what it is that I have been doing, what the purpose is of me putting myself out in the world and interacting with people. But 15 minutes later I had no idea what the thought had been.
I am confused by that worse of all thing by which to be confused - myself :(
I feel mixed up, not right, not ok. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know how to find the balance ...
Part of me longs so much to melt into anothers' arms and be told that 'everything will be ok' and in the next second I am thinking how weak that is; that I should be able to stand on my own two feet and work this out myself, without help, without assistance, without needing another there to do the hand holding and soothing when things get tough and confusing.
People admire my 'awareness', but for me, I sometimes truly wish I was not so aware. How much easier would it be just to float through life 'not caring', not having to work through this shit, not even being aware that it exists.
There is no balance; there is no middle ground. I cannot find it.
Back to the castle for me it seems.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
More SMS's
Didn't sleep well last night - went to be very late (3am) and feel as though I was awake a lot between then and nearly 7.
I don't know whether the lateness of the hour at which I went to bed last night had any influence on this .. but I 'got' more messages last night .. in my mind I picked up my mobile and it showed there were 14 messages waiting for me. They were all from him, and, whilst I don't recall the contents of the messages specifically, once again the impression was one of wanting to reconnect.
Just wishful thinking I suppose (damn my brain for being so good at that!), or perhaps triggered by seeing what looked like a visit to my site by him a few days ago, and probably not helped by being hormonal ... thanks for the hint about chocolate Gary - you were right on the money, sheesh looks like I'm at least going to suffer from that typ of PMS (this month anyway! - each month seems to be different)
After falling properly asleep sometime around 7, I woke hot and sweaty at about 9.30.
I don't know whether the lateness of the hour at which I went to bed last night had any influence on this .. but I 'got' more messages last night .. in my mind I picked up my mobile and it showed there were 14 messages waiting for me. They were all from him, and, whilst I don't recall the contents of the messages specifically, once again the impression was one of wanting to reconnect.
Just wishful thinking I suppose (damn my brain for being so good at that!), or perhaps triggered by seeing what looked like a visit to my site by him a few days ago, and probably not helped by being hormonal ... thanks for the hint about chocolate Gary - you were right on the money, sheesh looks like I'm at least going to suffer from that typ of PMS (this month anyway! - each month seems to be different)
After falling properly asleep sometime around 7, I woke hot and sweaty at about 9.30.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Market Day
My daughter and I had a market day today. A proper market day means wearing our special dresses and visting about 4 markets. We do it two or three times a year; just love wearing these dresses, makes us feel so good - must be the romantic in me/us.
We also visited a wonderful shop in Fremantle that sells the kind of dresses we love - in the medieval style. We haven't been there before whilst wearing our dresses though.
I was rather stunned that the lady owner of the shop kept complimenting me on the dress I had made (which I was wearing, even though I made it for my daughter) .. I've shown pics of it on here before but here it is again in case you've forgotten:
Anyway ... she asked me whether I would make some of these dresses for her shop! I couldn't believe it, thought she was joking and said to her that I didn't sew well enough - she said she thought it looked pretty good. I still thought she was just being kind - but she asked again before we left the shop whether I would consider it... so I have taken her card and said I would think about it.
It took me a long time to make this dress, partially because I'd never made anything like it before and partly because I hadn't done any sewing for such a long time. If I made more of them I'm certain I would get better and quicker at it.
They sell this type of dress for AUS$220 - $250 in their shop.
Bit of a quandry though - I don't really want anyone else to have a dress just like the one I've made! I'm going to have to think about this.
Inspired
Her offer has, at the very least, inspired me to complete my own dress, which I've discovered tonight only needs one sleeve to be sewn in and the hemming of neck, sleeve and skirt done before it's finished! Methinks I might have to do that tonight.
Then it will be on to my daughters' cloak. We have already cut it out but never began sewing it due to the lack of a frog (clasp). We saw a gorgeous one today on a cloak and luckily have found the same ones on ebay - so with that getting organised we will be sewing her cloak soon too!
Off to the sewing machine!
We also visited a wonderful shop in Fremantle that sells the kind of dresses we love - in the medieval style. We haven't been there before whilst wearing our dresses though.
I was rather stunned that the lady owner of the shop kept complimenting me on the dress I had made (which I was wearing, even though I made it for my daughter) .. I've shown pics of it on here before but here it is again in case you've forgotten:
Anyway ... she asked me whether I would make some of these dresses for her shop! I couldn't believe it, thought she was joking and said to her that I didn't sew well enough - she said she thought it looked pretty good. I still thought she was just being kind - but she asked again before we left the shop whether I would consider it... so I have taken her card and said I would think about it.
It took me a long time to make this dress, partially because I'd never made anything like it before and partly because I hadn't done any sewing for such a long time. If I made more of them I'm certain I would get better and quicker at it.
They sell this type of dress for AUS$220 - $250 in their shop.
Bit of a quandry though - I don't really want anyone else to have a dress just like the one I've made! I'm going to have to think about this.
Inspired
Her offer has, at the very least, inspired me to complete my own dress, which I've discovered tonight only needs one sleeve to be sewn in and the hemming of neck, sleeve and skirt done before it's finished! Methinks I might have to do that tonight.
Then it will be on to my daughters' cloak. We have already cut it out but never began sewing it due to the lack of a frog (clasp). We saw a gorgeous one today on a cloak and luckily have found the same ones on ebay - so with that getting organised we will be sewing her cloak soon too!
Off to the sewing machine!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Missing Him
... tonight I am missing him. I had thought I had passed that point, but it would seem I was wrong.
Lump in throat, tears close to my eyes and that tug in my heart and I feel like going up to bed and having a cry :(
This is most unhelpful :(
Lump in throat, tears close to my eyes and that tug in my heart and I feel like going up to bed and having a cry :(
This is most unhelpful :(
Blog Changes/Beta Blogger
For those of you who use Blogger:
I have transferred my blog over to the beta blogger. I've wanted for some time to be able to categorize my posts, and the new blogger allows this.
It is proving rather a pain to have to go back through posts and add labels (what blogger calls categories/tags etc); at this stage I've only done dreams and blogthings/quizzes. I'm not certain whether I'll do more as it is rather time consuming.
All seems well so far. Editing the html directly is a bit of a challenge however, so I may break things from time to time as I get it sorted (haven't kept up my coding knowledge/skills)
If you find something broken please let me know.
I have transferred my blog over to the beta blogger. I've wanted for some time to be able to categorize my posts, and the new blogger allows this.
It is proving rather a pain to have to go back through posts and add labels (what blogger calls categories/tags etc); at this stage I've only done dreams and blogthings/quizzes. I'm not certain whether I'll do more as it is rather time consuming.
All seems well so far. Editing the html directly is a bit of a challenge however, so I may break things from time to time as I get it sorted (haven't kept up my coding knowledge/skills)
If you find something broken please let me know.
Dream
I slept fine that night - referred to in previous post. I had thought perhaps I wouldn't as I had noticed someone in my site stats.
The following night however I had a rather erotic dream that woke me up at about 3am. It was strange - I was ermm 'manhandling' someone (one of the dream people - just a person, not anyone recognizable) but it was me who had the orgasm (that's when I woke up).
Strange.
The following night however I had a rather erotic dream that woke me up at about 3am. It was strange - I was ermm 'manhandling' someone (one of the dream people - just a person, not anyone recognizable) but it was me who had the orgasm (that's when I woke up).
Strange.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
*Sigh* and TA
Being good/doing the 'right thing' is so hard sometimes :( - sometimes I wish the memories were erased so I wouldn't feel the yearning, so that I didn't have anything to wonder 'what if' about, to wonder how might things go if he re-connected and was available, how might it go if he re-connected and wasn't available - I believe I could do the right thing, but there would be sadness there too ... lots of things.
Other times I am so glad for the memories... they are so good.
I do things that perhaps I shouldn't - re-read e-mails and chats ... just to re-live it. Sometimes it seems like a dream and I have to remind myself that it did actually happen; that there was someone kind enough, patient enough, caring enough ... to help me find my way out of the castle.
I find myself retreating back into the castle from time to time, but the drawbridge is down, not shut tight. I no longer live in darkness.
The Child
Transactional Analysis came up in a discussion recently. It was suggested that maybe it was my 'child' that had been re-awoken. I'm not so sure. It's a long time since I looked at TA, must get some books from the library.
Ah shoot, I see a sleepless night ahead :(
Other times I am so glad for the memories... they are so good.
I do things that perhaps I shouldn't - re-read e-mails and chats ... just to re-live it. Sometimes it seems like a dream and I have to remind myself that it did actually happen; that there was someone kind enough, patient enough, caring enough ... to help me find my way out of the castle.
I find myself retreating back into the castle from time to time, but the drawbridge is down, not shut tight. I no longer live in darkness.
The Child
Transactional Analysis came up in a discussion recently. It was suggested that maybe it was my 'child' that had been re-awoken. I'm not so sure. It's a long time since I looked at TA, must get some books from the library.
Ah shoot, I see a sleepless night ahead :(
Monday, October 02, 2006
Yet Another Realisation
I came to yet another realisation yesterday ... something I've been trying to put into words for a while now, but the thought hasn't properly coalesced until yesterday.
Finally I know what it is I am looking for. I'm a tad concerned about what it has turned out to be though.
I want someone to make love to me.
I have a reasonable amount of sexual experience, but it's a very long time since I've made love ... sad, I know.
The thing that concerns me about this is that for someone to make love to me they would, have to be in love with me ... that means allowing someone to love me, and for me to love them. That's the scarey part; and I don't know if I can do that.
Am I ready for that ... I have no idea, but I guess, as I wrote in a post not too long ago, if we always wait until we're ready for something it might have passed us by.
Finally I know what it is I am looking for. I'm a tad concerned about what it has turned out to be though.
I want someone to make love to me.
I have a reasonable amount of sexual experience, but it's a very long time since I've made love ... sad, I know.
The thing that concerns me about this is that for someone to make love to me they would, have to be in love with me ... that means allowing someone to love me, and for me to love them. That's the scarey part; and I don't know if I can do that.
Am I ready for that ... I have no idea, but I guess, as I wrote in a post not too long ago, if we always wait until we're ready for something it might have passed us by.
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