Gak, Gah arrghhhh

Oh how I long for that feeling of that day of 'wholeness'.

I have fallen back to not being whole; there is no balalance, I have no idea what 'appropriate' is; the two sides or me are in total opposition.

I wonder what the hell it is I am doing - this 'being out in the world' thing. Have removed myself from all the dating sites and told those with whom I had been chatting that I would be disappearing from their screens for a while.

I had a moment of clarity today - it lasted all of about 5 minutes - as to what it is that I have been doing, what the purpose is of me putting myself out in the world and interacting with people. But 15 minutes later I had no idea what the thought had been.

I am confused by that worse of all thing by which to be confused - myself :(

I feel mixed up, not right, not ok. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know how to find the balance ...

Part of me longs so much to melt into anothers' arms and be told that 'everything will be ok' and in the next second I am thinking how weak that is; that I should be able to stand on my own two feet and work this out myself, without help, without assistance, without needing another there to do the hand holding and soothing when things get tough and confusing.

People admire my 'awareness', but for me, I sometimes truly wish I was not so aware. How much easier would it be just to float through life 'not caring', not having to work through this shit, not even being aware that it exists.

There is no balance; there is no middle ground. I cannot find it.

Back to the castle for me it seems.