Stream of Consciousness ( ramblings)

And I come today to ponder on what it is that I am 'moving on' from.

Perhaps if I can work this out my current personal dilemna/crisis of self will be resolved.

On that day of wholeness I had the feeling that I was ready to 'move on', to progress from the place that I had been stuck.

Where is it that I was stuck? I was stuck in the past obviously. During the time of being stuck I even wrote about knowing what it was that I needed to do to 'move on' - get out, socialise, take a risk; but couldn't bring myself to do those things - was not ready. Obviously on the day of wholeness I felt that I was ready.

But what is it about those things .. (socialising etc, even if only via chatting online!) ... maybe it's because it means opening myself to possibilities (added later: - particularly the one about taking risks - taking what risks ... would seem to me it's about taking the risk of opening myself to another ... of putting myself in the position of being vulnerable .. which would all seem to be about love/partnering).

The possibility of what though? Obvious answer seems to be 'the possibility of connecting with someone'. Maybe making friends? But I've not been one to have, or seem to need, to have a large circle of friends. Maybe to find someone just to 'do stuff' with, as I know I'm not the kind to go places by myself. But do I want to 'get busy' and start doing a whole lot of stuff/going to lots of things ... hmmm no.

Why is this so important though??? Why can't 'moving on' just be a matter of continuing on in my quiet life without wallowing in the mud of the past? Hmmm I don't really feel as though I was still wallowing though. But why does it have to involve others?

Possibles:
* to me the measure of our life is our relationships with people (as opposed to material gain/assets)
* hmmm nothing else is coming to mind.
* wait, is our relationships with people really the measure of our life? If the meaning/purpose of my life is to be happy, then surely that means the measure of it is my own happiness. Does that mean I see my happiness as being linked to my interactions with others? - it seems to read that way. Why would that be the case, seeing as I know it is up to me to be happy, rather than have my happiness created by the presence of others (or any other external factors for that matter).
* maybe I just see interacting with others as an indication of participating in life (as opposed to being in seclusion)

But we are not isolated individuals. We live in the world, in which there are others. We are not an island; just living requires interaction with others. Flash thought - is this to do with my 'helping others' nature .. hmm no, doesn't appear to be so.

I'm not getting anywhere, fast. Maybe I could just go with the flow, do what feels right (uh oh - uh oh cos that's where the confusion lies) ... not wait until I am ready (as I've written before) ... just do it ... because. It felt like the right thing to do - to interact with others. But now I am not as certain. Right now it does not feel like the right thing to do.

I guess it's an ok thing to do as long as I am clear on what it is I'm doing. I seem to be clear that all I am doing is very simply interacting with others. I am not looking for anything or anyone, I am simply interacting. Hmm am I clear on that ... after reading back the above I'm not so sure. Maybe that's all I need to do - to be clear with myself that that is all I am doing - interacting, and see what goes from there. hmmm that would seem to be exactly what I was doing. So why the hiccough?

Ack, and that's where I step in and say 'but what about the others' - what effect will that have on them. In saying that I mean dealing with one as confused as me. For all of my awareness I am still so confused.

But is being confused such a bad thing, really? Or is it merely an indication of a time of growing and learning (thoughts of the term 'consciously incompetent') ...

(just added the 'added later' bit to the paragraph about possibilites .... maybe the risk taking thing is where I should concentrate my thinking/feelings)

Someone pass the clarity would you please?

Time to do something physical as all this thinking doesn't really seem to be getting me anywhere just now .... just as well the lawn needs mowing!