Adrenalin At it Again & Another Message

Adrenalin/Sleep
I really need to find a cure for this adrenalin thing. I went out last night (go me!), came home rather late with about three hours sleep time available.

It was a night of many things - all of them good.

Did I sleep? - no of course not. I think I might have managed about half an hour of dozing, mostly the rest of it was spent in that kind of twilight in-between zone - not really asleep, but not fully properly awake either.

Thankfully whatever it was that kept me awake also got me through the day without feeling exhausted or fatigued. I hope I manage to sleep tonight (remembers reading and writing in here that adrenalin can last in your body for 48 hours); I think I might as I'm starting to feel a weariness creeping in.

Message
During one time of twilight zone semi-consciousness this morning I received another message. It was an e-mail rather than an SMS and I only got to see the subject heading and whom it was from. The word free was in there, and whilst it made my heart skip a beat at the time I'm starting to wonder whether my subconscious is again trying to tell me something; perhaps something about the evening I had enjoyed.

And this evening when I arrived home I see there has been a visitor during the day.


I would go lay on the couch to allow my mind and feelings roam free on this and see where it leads, but I think I'd probably fall asleep, so it will have to wait for another time.

Perfume and Associations

I have a perfume that I've not been able to wear for a number of years. The reason has been the association that was attached to it.

I've worn it the last two days and have fallen in love with it all over again, and found that the association seems to have disappeared.

So today I did something very girly - unlike me - I spent an exorbitant (well, to me anyway) amount of money on a bottle of perfume. It was fun, and I love how I smell :)

For those that are curious - it's Jean Paul Gaultier ... I love the bottle as well (what girl wouldn't kill for a figure like that!)

Checking the Calendar

Yesterday it felt like time to check the calendar again, but again it doesn't seem to be the right time for hormones to be a big influence.

I realised a bit later that it wasn't the skin hunger though, it was different.

I think it was the memories playing through my mind; so wonderful. I'm a bit late for Thanksgiving, but I am so thankful that I have those memories - of the feelings, emotional and physical .. and of the utter contentment that followed.

Decision Made

By the time I went to bed last night I knew which way I was leaning, and still felt the same way in the morning. I was pleased I had finally decided.

It really came down to happiness (which is to do with True Self); which choice would I be happier with, which was I more enthusiastic about - that's how I ended up choosing seeing as there was no other stand out factor on which to decide.

Decision Making

I have a decision before me at the moment and I have to have an answer by mid-morning tomorrow.

I am having a great deal of difficulty making this decision; I am very ambivalent (and no, if you look it up you'll see it doesn't mean I don't care, it means I can't decide one way or the other):

I have no gut reaction - there is no internal negative or positive feeling.

Cost/Benefit analysis - does not provide a deciding point

Pros/Cons - there is one Con that is reasonably important to me; I have to consider how much weight this particular factor holds. As various circumstances will be different in the future (and all that is known is that they will be different to the current situation, it isn't known the direction/how they will be different) I need to consider whether this factor could be of lesser importance to me in the future than it is at the moment (just thought this whilst writing - maybe it will become MORE important to me in the future!).

Path Dependancy - what if I make no decision; no, that's not an option. Is the decision reversible? No not really, either way.

Maybe I could do a SWOT analysis as well.


In all this I'm noticing something about myself I hadn't been aware of. I've never thought of myself as particularly indecisive, but I seem to have proven so over the last few months. I tend to think that I don't hold strong views on many things, and, as a result, am generally happy to go with the flow/do what others indicate they have a desire to do. But now, here I am with a decision thats' main impact will be on me, and I can't decide.

I'm going to leave the question alone for a while and purposely NOT think about it for a few hours, maybe that will help.

Hmm and maybe when I come back to it I could look at it from a True Self perspective ... ie will making a yes decision be in keeping/fit with my True Self. Hadn't thought about that yet.

Off to do something else than think about this for a while.....

Another Parenting Milestone

Tonight yet another parenting milestone reached - it was my daughters' high school graduation.

She was magnificent, winning the one medal she had set her eye on and another just for good measure! All of us are very proud of her.

Her dad and I gave each other a high five at the supper - we've managed to make it through seeing two children through their twelve/thirteen years of schooling and all of us still in one piece!

Phew!

And now, as has always been my experience with parenting, it doesn't necessarily get easier, or harder - it just gets different.

Did Skin Hunger Make Me Do It?

Over the weekend, whilst suffering from the skin hunger, I began to wonder whether it was perhaps skin hunger that resulted in what happened a few months ago.

I don't think it was; it doesn't have the same hallmarks: the feelings didn't come and go (they were there all the time, though certainly increased over time) and it didn't feel the same. It was about him sepcifically, rather than a general 'I need someone to cuddle/hand hold/sit with'.

No, I think the skin hunger is a consequence/result of what happened, rather than the cause of what happened; part of what was awoken.

Biopsy
On a totally different note, I received the results of the biopsy this morning. Prognosis: AOK.

Skin Hunger - Another Solution!

Just remembered something I had read about skin hunger when I was first introduced to the term over a month ago .... massage!!!!!!!!!!

Whilst that initially sounds as a stupendously better solution than casual dating I'm not sure how I arrange one at the drop of a hat/on the day that I really need it. Hmmm maybe if I have a regular one then the desperate need wont hit me.

Something to be considered most definitely. I think there's a salon at my local shops that do them. Perhaps if I put it on my xmas list I can get a freebie try out and see how it goes :)

Definitely feeling happier about that having remembered about massage.

Thank Goodness for My Garden ..

and batteries (just as well I managed to go shopping yesterday and thought to buy some more).

Skin Hunger

I'm not really sure what is the best thing for me to do when I'm suffering badly from skin hunger like I was yesterday.

Having sated some of the physical need I found myself still feeling the need for that physical closeness ... hand holding, arm around the shoulder or waist, sitting close together with bodies touching, fingers on my skin. And of course, without anyone to fulfill those needs.

I visited one of the Australian 'dating' sites (on which my profile is invis) but exited from the chat when I realised I was in danger of doing something foolish.

I stayed up late, chatted with some folk on literotica but nothing went very far. The one promising chat ended a bit sour, with a realisation that I wasn't prepared to do something he wanted. Maybe a good thing as the blood temperature dropped, otherwise I'm not sure I would have slept.

I thought chatting online would be safe - most of the folk visiting that site are on the other side of the world and the chat identity I use with them doesn't have any links back to me. And it is safe, but it doesn't really fulfill that need for physical contact; it just has the pretense of it.

Maybe I should try this thing called casual dating. I've had several folk ask me if I'm enjoying playing the field .. ie 'the single life' .. but it seems I'm not (playing the field). That's probably because I'm not 'looking' for a partner ..... is that what this 'casual dating' thing is about? When you're not looking for a permanent relationship?

I'm not sure how I feel about casual dating. I don't think I want a series of one night stands, but maybe that's not what it's about? Maybe it's just what I need. Guess I wont know unless I try. I find the thought of dating a bit scary/daunting, but I'm not really sure why.

Will it necessarily help with the skin hunger? Seems to me it has the potential to meet that need.

Alternately I guess I could just lock myself up for the duration - shut the castle doors and windows again, stay away from the computer and try ride it out. But I don't think that's the solution; it doesn't resolve the problem (as running away rarely does) and I'll just find myself back at the same place time and time again.

Or maybe I could try dance classes ... the thought of a strong man with his arm around my waist sounds good. I don't know though, I've never been good at going places by myself.

Today I'm not feeling the need as strongly. Maybe if I go out and work in the garden it will help wear it off to non-existence. Thank goodness for my garden, if I didn't have that I'd have gone insane well before now.

New Look Blog

Those of you who visit frequently will have noticed a change in the blog the last few days. I've changed the layout and theme; it's more in keeping now with me - less darkness, more lightness and of course there has to be a castle :)

I'm slowly working my way through adding labels to all the posts - this is long and labourious so don't expect miracles! Am also going through and trying to change my light lavender coloured headings within posts to a darker colour so that they're more visible (they're almost invisible right now), but sometimes blogger doesn't want to play ball with that for some reason :(

Enjoy.

Checked the calendar - unlikely timing to be that.

Gah

It must be time to check the calendar; don't know whether it's the hormones or the conversation just had, but am feeling very melancholy and in want of physical closeness :(

Came home feeling rather chipper tonight, I think it's because I have tomorrow off.

Partnering
I've been trying to think about the partner question. And the simple answer is that I don't know. Gah how I dislike not knowing. Sometimes I wonder whether 'I don't know' means 'no'.

And I've been wondering too whether in this case it's not really possible to separate the feeling of need from the want .. ie if I don't feel an emotional need for a partner then maybe that's why I don't feel that I want a partner? I don't feel as though I'm missing out on anything by not having one. I don't want to procreate anymore, I don't feel the need to share my life with anyone .... but it would be nice for someone to be there, at the very least at certain times.

I lay my arm out to the empty side of the bed last night and there was just ... space. It would be nice for there to be someone close, someone who knows me intimately (and I'm not talking about sex!).

But I don't feel lonely; I am ok by myself.

It truly feels like what I said a couple of posts below ... I'm not looking for a partner, but I'm not not looking for a partner either. Certainly if something like the events of a few months ago occurred again (with someone who was available!) I believe I would be there; that I would do it, that I wouldn't walk away saying 'no,no, I'm not looking for a relationship'. Previous history tells me that's what I would do.

So what to do about the dating sites? Methinks I'll leave the one up that allows me to say 'friendship' and we will see what we will see.

Back to Busy RDO's

My RDO's (once a month day off) have been pretty laid back of late - not so the one coming up this week.

The four-legged member of the family needs her annual prick ermm ahhh vaccination I mean! And as Mistyqee has two exams on that day (her last ones hurrah!) I will be attending the fur ball by myself as she gets her jab. I then have two appointments, one in the middle of the morning and one early afternoon.

Can't really say more about them yet - might be great might be dreadful. Time will tell.

I'm also contemplating going to the council for more of the free mulch that I got last year. After the shade sail posts going in and the tree being pruned the garden over there is looking rather sad; a mulch top up will do wonders - and it's free!

So yeah, a busy RDO this time around; dang, and I had intended to make it my xmas shopping day, oh well.

Tonight was a great night, I was actually productive, got some things done that needed doing (ie "should do's" and I didn't even mind); the confirmation of the appointments is what put me in such a good mood.

hmmm external factors making me feel good - maybe I shouldn't feel so good afterall!

Addendum to Do I Want a Partner

There's an addendum coming to that last post; shortly after I'd written it I realised I'd written mostly about whether I felt a need for a partner.

To me that's a very different kettle of fish as to whether I want a partner.


Right at this minute all I know is that I'm not actively 'looking', but neither am I actively 'not looking' as I had been for the last 3+ years ( I even catch myself looking at men at the supermarket!).

Do I Want a Partner?

Yes, I'm back to this thought again.

Laying in bed last night I thought about this a bit. Laying there in bed alone.

It would be nice for there to be someone there to cuddle up to and hug, and for there to be someone there in the morning. To have lazy mornings with breakfast in bed ... reading the paper and later ditching everything off the bed and making gentle, lazy-paced love.

But I don't feel a need for a partner; not like some I come across who feel incomplete without a partner, who really dislike being single and feel they are missing something by not having one.

It's not like that for me.

Yes, certainly, there are times when I have urges and other needs, and times when I feel the need for someone to be there to comfort me and give me support; but for the most part I am pretty content with my life alone.

The conclusion of my thinking was that I don't need a partner, that I don't need to rush out and find a partner. And that maybe if someone comes along that it might be best if it not be a live-in arrangement.

I'm feel quite pleased about that - seems I am happy to stand on my own two feet (to me this is a good thing). And that those who aren't needy are more attractive to others too! (I find neediness pretty unattractive - probably why I don't like myself when I'm feeling the need for comfort/support). I guess I feel it indicates a confidence level too; a level that I sometimes don't feel.

It's all good :)

And now it's off out into the garden.

Dream

I had a dream two nights ago. I have no idea (yet) what I'm supposed to make of it.

I was in my childhood home, in my bedroom, in bed - but it was a double/queen sized bed (I never had one of them when I lived there). Two of the dogs (no idea which two) were jumping on and off the bed. There was music playing and I think there might have been a TV in the room (again, something that was never there in reality) but I couldn't really see it, was just aware there was one there. There were sheets and a doona on the bed, all rumpled up due to the movement that was going on. I was feeling comfortable and content.

My ex defacto was also there (more non-reality). I couldn't see him so I don't think he was in the bed with me, the impression is that he was on the floor either on the other side of the bed to me, or at the diagonally opposite end of the bed from me.

I'm not sure whether I was reading a paper in bed, or just playing with the dogs.

At one point my ex defacto said something about 'not pooing in the bed' (referring to the dogs). I couldn't see any poo on the bed, but the impression was very definately that one of the dogs had done so on the bed.

My thought at his comment was that I looked around, didn't see any poo, and kinda didn't really care even if they had! And that this was my place and he didn't live there, so his opinion didn't matter.

The dream ended.

As no meaning comes immediately to mind I refer to my dream dictionary:

Home: a general atmosphere of home life predicts small satisfactions and an adjustment to whatever your circumstances might be. An old house (being built in the 50's I think my childhood home counts as old) signifies reunion or renewal of an old association.

Bed: a strange bed forecasts an upturn in business affairs, your own bed signifies security.

Bedroom: your own bedroom indicates harmony in current affairs.

Bedclothes: lots of bedclothes and your income is modest to poor, you can expect a comfortable improvement shortly.

Dogs: dogs are generally a good omen and symbolise friends. Friendly and affectionate dogs indicate pleasure and happy times with friends.

Bedfellow - not really appropriate as he wasn't in the bed with me.

Poo - bowel movement (not sure if this applies as it wasn't me who had the bowel movement!) if it occurred in bed it signifies coming abundance.

Newspaper (not 100% certain there was one, but the feeling is that there might have been): to read a newspaper signifies that events at a distance are conspiring in your favour.

Nothing else seems relevant. Having read that I'm not really any closer to an interpretation, although the elements all point to good outcomes.

Maybe it's confirmation of current security, in material things, how life is (comfortable, playing, content) and self confidence/strength of self (not allowing anothers' opnion to impinge on mine/affect my contentment/rain on my parade).

I think it's interesting that he wasn't in the bed with me, that I didn't ever see him in the dream (just a disembodied voice from somewhere over the side of the bed). Maybe signifying that he is, for the most part, out of my life and that any input he makes does not affect me.

I like those last thoughts.

Horoscope

This is my horoscope for today (thanks to Sydney Morning Herald web site):

"Get an early start on any working matters or other domestic things that need doing. You should leave yourself free to enjoy your day so that as the afternoon approaches you can down tools (as it were) and make the most of a congenial, happy and together time with those you love and care for most. You need to de-stress as the week just past may have taken its toll (even if you don't realise it). Take time to have a gentle but fun time with your loving partner tonight"

I have a number of things that have to get done this weekend, so looks like I'd better get off my skinny arse and get going on them. The afternoon will be spent mostly with Mistyqee ... yes the week at work has taken its toll and I'd really prefer to be doing not much of anything at all, but there's a graduation coming up so that's not possible.

As to what I'm supposed to do tonight, mm well, it would help if I had a partner wouldn't it!

Bring on The Weekend.

I had a biopsy on my mouth yesterday - two actually. (it's ok, nothing nasty the oral surgeon says)

So I now have one stitch on the floor of my mouth, underneath my tongue and another stitch in the side of my cheek.

The one on my cheek isn't too bad. As she said it would be, it's like when you've bitten your cheek by accident.

The one under my tongue is a pain, literally. When my tongue moves too much it hurts.

I bet you never realised how much you move your tongue. I've had to stop eating things that gather around on my teeth cos I can't stand the pain of wriggling my tongue around to get the bits off. Even drinking can be a bit of a hazzard at times - I have found out that when I drink coffee I usually lift my tongue up; trying to drink differently is interesting to say the least.

It's weird when you start being conscious of how your body does things when you usually just 'do it' and aren't consciously aware of how it's actually happening.

Oh well.

Please can it be the weekend yet? (Yes, I'm having that kind of a week)

The Fayre

Today it was time again for our local fair.

Of course this means dresses!

But before we get to the dresses we saw some interesting instruments, of unknown origin, being played in a band. Anyone know what this is??

I've never seen them before - not sure if the guy is African or perhaps Jamaican. The sound is very harp-like.

Also at the fair was the House Darksun. They are a medieval fighting group. They had some beautiful rapiers. We conned them into letting us have our pic taken with the suit of armour which one of them is making:




There weren't as many folk at the fair this year - methinks the weather kept them away; it was windy and rained a few time. We took refuge in the jewellery tent where we had purchased this great cross choker for Mistyqee - goes so well with her dress!





Whilst we didn't attend the circus, as my daughter had said she might want to, and she didn't buy even one show bag (most unlike her) nor try any of the games in the side show alley, a good day was had by both. (Any day we get to wear our dresses is a good day really!)

When we got home I stood under my tree, contemplating how it might all look by the end of the week as there are going to be some changes there ... shade sail posts go in tomorrow and the tree gets pruned on Friday. I'd better get out there and mark the locations of the posts and take some 'before' pics for the garden journal.