This has been mulling over in my head for quite some time now. I re-read some old e-mails and chats last night and it seemed to give some confirmation to the thought.
It would seem to me that the person I was, whilst locked away in the castle, generated (or created) a fair amount of pathos in others - sympathy, empathy, sorrow for my situation.
And I have to wonder if that's all there was to it.
:(
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4 comments:
darlin, are you wondering if it was the persona you created that people cared about, rather than the person you are being cared about?
iwould think that the biggest question is how much of the person you are is embodied in the persona.
if i have missed the question completely, let me know.
for myself, the person the words portray, the person in the lines and between the lines, is the one I am responding to.
Perhaps I did not express myself well. It was not a 'created' persona in the sense of being created simply to engender particular feelings/responses from folk ... I was the person reflected by the words; to my mind a rather pathetic creature - I remember commenting in at least one post that I was 'pathetic'(goodness me, I just did a search of the blog and that was in 2004). At several points I was frustrated with myself for being so pathetic - for being unable to 'snap out of it' and move on, unable/unwilling/unready to do the things that might perhaps help me progress to a better place.
I was damaged and broken, and unable to heal; it was not a facade.
The query at the end of the post was in regards to the events that happened in the middle of this year (with the guy from my school days), rather than commenters/readers in general. Though I have thought from time to time whether, now that I am whole again ... a 'normal' person once more, I am interesting enough for anyone to take notice of/be bothered with. I don't feel as though I am 'much' of a person.
Am I different now than I was? In a lot of ways I think not, but in others ways I feel I most definately am. Do you see a difference between earlier this year and now?
looks like i was unclear too, I did not assume that you made up a persona for any reason at all. but i believe, rarely in our writing do we capture the whole of who we are. (i have looked back at my own journals and know that the focus tends to be more narrow the more hurt we are, the more broken we are.)
Are you different now than then, of course! Your focus has expanded, you are able to see and be present for more things in your life and your world than just the hurt, broken.
I tend to believe that we have these massive shelving units within us that hold boxes with bits of who we are and how we feel and what we have lived through. They comprise the whole of who we are. Sometimes one gets opened and the bad things inside just won't get stuffed back in for a while, other times we are able to inventory them and put them back. But it seems our lives are about the process of experiencing, cataloging, filing away in the little boxes of our mind/memory and then inventorying through-out our lives.
I hope you are a it more relaxed now and are sleeping better.
I obviously can't know all about you from thousands of miles away, but you seem to me to be an interesting, thoughtful person. Don't judge yourself too harshly.
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