Yes I'm still here, and now that I'm on holidays for just over a week I may actually write something in here other than ...
Merry Christmas to all in Blogland!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Another Dream
I had this dream last Thursday night - the night I had given Reiki to KiwiGuy. Whether that fact had anything to do with the content of the dream I guess I'll never know, but I can't dismiss it as a possibility.
Dream....
I was of an indeteriminate age - younger than I am no, but not a teenager. I was laying on my bed not quite the bed I have now, but not one I have ever had) examining two of my vibrators (ones that I currently own), trying to decide which one was best. I was moving my hand over them feeling their shape and looking at them quite closely. Mr Purple had some dried residue on it which I scratch off with my fingernail. My mum and dad were not far away, just down the hall and would occasionally come into view. I was quite at ease with the fact they might see me and what I was doing.
I think I may have actually used one or both of the vibrators, not with the purpose of having an orgasm, but to investigate them more. Their shape and feel and which one one I liked best.
The dream finished with my decision unmade - I hadn't decided which was better, which one I liked more.
Interpretation.
Only as I have written the above has it come to realisation what this might be about. Whilst I have recalled the dream a couple of times since I experienced it I haven't been trying to work out what it meant.
In writing it down .. particularly the words 'which one I liked more' .. it occurred to me that maybe it was about deciding whether I liked being in a relationship more than being on my own. Mr Purple represents being on my own. The other vibrator represents being in a relationship because it is penis shaped (Mr Purple is not).
Hmm so does scraping off dried residue from Mr Purple represent anything I wonder. And what of the presence of my parents and it not being of importance whether they could see what I was doing.
I didn't come to a decision in my dream (darn it!). I wonder if I will now come to a decision consciously.
And now I"m pretty certain that having interacted with KiwiGuy that night probably DID have something to do with me having that dream.
Interesting.
Dream....
I was of an indeteriminate age - younger than I am no, but not a teenager. I was laying on my bed not quite the bed I have now, but not one I have ever had) examining two of my vibrators (ones that I currently own), trying to decide which one was best. I was moving my hand over them feeling their shape and looking at them quite closely. Mr Purple had some dried residue on it which I scratch off with my fingernail. My mum and dad were not far away, just down the hall and would occasionally come into view. I was quite at ease with the fact they might see me and what I was doing.
I think I may have actually used one or both of the vibrators, not with the purpose of having an orgasm, but to investigate them more. Their shape and feel and which one one I liked best.
The dream finished with my decision unmade - I hadn't decided which was better, which one I liked more.
Interpretation.
Only as I have written the above has it come to realisation what this might be about. Whilst I have recalled the dream a couple of times since I experienced it I haven't been trying to work out what it meant.
In writing it down .. particularly the words 'which one I liked more' .. it occurred to me that maybe it was about deciding whether I liked being in a relationship more than being on my own. Mr Purple represents being on my own. The other vibrator represents being in a relationship because it is penis shaped (Mr Purple is not).
Hmm so does scraping off dried residue from Mr Purple represent anything I wonder. And what of the presence of my parents and it not being of importance whether they could see what I was doing.
I didn't come to a decision in my dream (darn it!). I wonder if I will now come to a decision consciously.
And now I"m pretty certain that having interacted with KiwiGuy that night probably DID have something to do with me having that dream.
Interesting.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Psychic and Healing Fair
I went to the Psychic and Healing Fair on the weekend. I was interested to go for a couple of reasons - 1. to investigate other Reiki teachers 2. Interest in my aura - aura photographs 3. Perhaps have a reading of some sort done.
The aura photo's turned out to be what I had read about and been told about - they hook up your hand and basically project the aura of your hand onto a photo of you .... ie it is *only* the aura of your hand that you see in the photo. And everything I have read about auras would indicate that your aura is different in different parts of your body. So I didn't have a photo done - disappointing.
I had my aura read by a person however. Interesting. Yellow around my head, said I am 'in my head' a lot (very true, something I am aware of and am trying to change). I am a healer, can heal with my hands (green lavender and orange around my hands), I will use crystals, laying them on parts of the body (have never been moved towards crystals and have never heard of them being used in that way), and I will use reflexology (something I have started to become interested in slightly). I need to find my inner peace. I have lots of 'stuff' in my root chakra (no surprise there) that I need to resolve/clear. I should be eating lots of fresh fruit and vege's (had gone on a fruit and vege rampage in the grocery store the day before), and should drink fresh juices (had also bought juicing carrots and celery for juicing the day before). Said I should have someone dig a plot for me (my first reaction was interest in that I needed to have someone *else* dig the plot for me) so I could grow my own fruit and veg, so I would know exactly what chemicals, if any, had been used on them. (Had nearly gone to the nursery the day before to buy vege seedlings).
I am an Earth Mother, need to have my feet in the dirt, down in the dirt with the soil between my toes.
In regards to my health it was confirmed what I have been thinking; a serious illness. But said I am a survivor, that I will survive it. Will need to take the traditional medical route in regards to it, but will survive. Alternative therapy also - I said I'd been giving myself Reiki but she said I needed to be given it by others - needed more energy than just my own.
The aura photo's turned out to be what I had read about and been told about - they hook up your hand and basically project the aura of your hand onto a photo of you .... ie it is *only* the aura of your hand that you see in the photo. And everything I have read about auras would indicate that your aura is different in different parts of your body. So I didn't have a photo done - disappointing.
I had my aura read by a person however. Interesting. Yellow around my head, said I am 'in my head' a lot (very true, something I am aware of and am trying to change). I am a healer, can heal with my hands (green lavender and orange around my hands), I will use crystals, laying them on parts of the body (have never been moved towards crystals and have never heard of them being used in that way), and I will use reflexology (something I have started to become interested in slightly). I need to find my inner peace. I have lots of 'stuff' in my root chakra (no surprise there) that I need to resolve/clear. I should be eating lots of fresh fruit and vege's (had gone on a fruit and vege rampage in the grocery store the day before), and should drink fresh juices (had also bought juicing carrots and celery for juicing the day before). Said I should have someone dig a plot for me (my first reaction was interest in that I needed to have someone *else* dig the plot for me) so I could grow my own fruit and veg, so I would know exactly what chemicals, if any, had been used on them. (Had nearly gone to the nursery the day before to buy vege seedlings).
I am an Earth Mother, need to have my feet in the dirt, down in the dirt with the soil between my toes.
In regards to my health it was confirmed what I have been thinking; a serious illness. But said I am a survivor, that I will survive it. Will need to take the traditional medical route in regards to it, but will survive. Alternative therapy also - I said I'd been giving myself Reiki but she said I needed to be given it by others - needed more energy than just my own.
Another Dream
Another dream! (About two or three nights ago)
Told her off for stealing my bfAbout Kiwi Guy and his new gf. I spewed my anger at them, told both of them (separately) what I felt and I think I actually hit him - kind of pummelled him on his back. Expressed a lot of anger..
I woke (at about 1am) when this dream ended. I was surprised at myself. Is this repressed anger that I was expressing? Most probably. I wonder whether having gotten it out in the dream that it will have cleared it from my system. I hope so.
Told her off for stealing my bfAbout Kiwi Guy and his new gf. I spewed my anger at them, told both of them (separately) what I felt and I think I actually hit him - kind of pummelled him on his back. Expressed a lot of anger..
I woke (at about 1am) when this dream ended. I was surprised at myself. Is this repressed anger that I was expressing? Most probably. I wonder whether having gotten it out in the dream that it will have cleared it from my system. I hope so.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Two More Dreams
Dreamt Last Night:
My ex defacto was in the beginning of this dream but I don't remember what that part was about. In the next part of the dream my mum and I were in a carpark. My car (it was the first car I ever had - my 'Flying Flea' - tiny Suzuki 4WD) was parked in a car bay. Mum said she would move the car; I didn't want her to, but she got in and was reversing out of the car bay into another bay behind her. Something went wrong and she accelerated very quickly and hit the embankment (and possible rail) at the back of the car bays and was flung out of the car, over the rail and onto the embackment, and hurt her back.
Dreamt on Monday Night This Week
My boss gave me a pay raise and said I deserved even more than that - and gave me an extra RDO per month.
My ex defacto was in the beginning of this dream but I don't remember what that part was about. In the next part of the dream my mum and I were in a carpark. My car (it was the first car I ever had - my 'Flying Flea' - tiny Suzuki 4WD) was parked in a car bay. Mum said she would move the car; I didn't want her to, but she got in and was reversing out of the car bay into another bay behind her. Something went wrong and she accelerated very quickly and hit the embankment (and possible rail) at the back of the car bays and was flung out of the car, over the rail and onto the embackment, and hurt her back.
Dreamt on Monday Night This Week
My boss gave me a pay raise and said I deserved even more than that - and gave me an extra RDO per month.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Beware - Poison Below
I have to get this out of my head, hopefully that will stop my body from reacting so strongly.
I had long suspected, from before he said he wanted to end the relationship.
No wonder he didn't want to try improve things between us - it would seem he had found other pastures he wanted to explore :(
Again it is someone I know that has been chosen over me. This time it is a someone he would likely not have met if not for me.
I am having that shaking all over thing again. Is it because I am so devastated to find out that what I suspected is true? Is it because I am so angry that he had been hiding this from me - was deceitful (I thought I'd suffered my life's time worth of deceit 6 years ago, or however long ago it was). Is it because I am feeling very negative emotions towards him that I don't want to feel?
I am gutted. At the moment I really feel like shit. It seems there will always be someone better, more interesting, better connected, younger, smarter, more available, more fun than me. That 'me' is just not good enough. I really dislike that I am feeling this way :( it is against the things I have really been trying to achieve over the last month with the books I've been reading and course I've been on.
Feel like just crawling under the nearest rock and not coming out until I don't know when :(
At the moment I feel like saying FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFKKKKKKKK relationships, FFFFFFFFFFFFKKKKKKKKKK men.
I hope one day I can feel happy for him, but that's not today :( and I think that's part of what is upsetting me the most :(
And tomorrow I have to get up and go to work and do life.
So much for progress :(
I had long suspected, from before he said he wanted to end the relationship.
No wonder he didn't want to try improve things between us - it would seem he had found other pastures he wanted to explore :(
Again it is someone I know that has been chosen over me. This time it is a someone he would likely not have met if not for me.
I am having that shaking all over thing again. Is it because I am so devastated to find out that what I suspected is true? Is it because I am so angry that he had been hiding this from me - was deceitful (I thought I'd suffered my life's time worth of deceit 6 years ago, or however long ago it was). Is it because I am feeling very negative emotions towards him that I don't want to feel?
I am gutted. At the moment I really feel like shit. It seems there will always be someone better, more interesting, better connected, younger, smarter, more available, more fun than me. That 'me' is just not good enough. I really dislike that I am feeling this way :( it is against the things I have really been trying to achieve over the last month with the books I've been reading and course I've been on.
Feel like just crawling under the nearest rock and not coming out until I don't know when :(
At the moment I feel like saying FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFKKKKKKKK relationships, FFFFFFFFFFFFKKKKKKKKKK men.
I hope one day I can feel happy for him, but that's not today :( and I think that's part of what is upsetting me the most :(
And tomorrow I have to get up and go to work and do life.
So much for progress :(
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Delicious Uninterrupted Sleep
Quite to my amazement - considering the helter skelter state of my mind last night (I didn't do any meditation) I slept the entire night.
Went to bed about 11.45, so it wasn't an early night, I woke only 10 minutes before the alarm. No waking at stupid o'clock, no waking up looking at the clock and rolling over. I slept the entire night.
It is for small things we are thankful.
Went to bed about 11.45, so it wasn't an early night, I woke only 10 minutes before the alarm. No waking at stupid o'clock, no waking up looking at the clock and rolling over. I slept the entire night.
It is for small things we are thankful.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Difficult Familial Relationships
I just need to write about this 'cos I can't talk about it with anyone :(
Mums Had An Accident
I had a call from my mum tonight, she caused a serious accident today as a result of going through a red light - the fact of which she was totally unaware.
Thankfully all three people involved (including my mum) have, seemingly, minor injuries only.
Not Really Unexpected ...
Over a year ago, before she had her back surgery, my children and I had decided we didn't want to be driven by her anymore. Whilst her driving was ok, it had become a bit of a scarey event. I think this became more so the case for my children as they became drivers themselves, and were thus more aware of driving skills.
I didn't say anything to my mum about this at the time, and now here we are - she has been involved in, and was the cause of, an accident. Thank everyone's deities that no one was seriously hurt.
And I feel a touch of guilt that I didn't say anything back then about her driving skills. If I say something about it now I'm sure it will seem undue admonishment, though she certainly sounded really dumbfounded as to how she could have driven through a red light without knowing it.
The other hard thing about saying that I don't think she should be driving is her experience in the past with her own mother, and having been through that scenario with her mother.
Harder still the fact that she lives over an hour from the city and, having been on her own for quite a long time now, she is fiercely independent.
How can I broach the subject - she will look and see the path her own mother went down, and be horrified to think that will happen to her.
And ... More Surgery Coming Up
The accident occurred here in the city. She was here for a doctors appointment to sort out what to do about her back. She fell whilst on holidays recently and has chipped one of her vertebrae.
She is booked in for surgery for Tuesday of next week. She will be staying here with me following her release from hospital, same as last time.
It's good in a way because she will not be able to drive. However there is the intervening week during which she has to get a bunch of blood and other tests done in preparation for the surgery. And these tests have been organised (as she saw the doctor before the accident happened today) to be done close to her home.
She is going to get a hire car. I feel so frustrated, what can I do? I can't do anything because I have to work and having only recently changed jobs I'm still in my probation/trial period and can't ask to have a day or two off now to take her home and get all that sorted out, and then perhaps another day next week to see her right in regards to being in hospital etc.
I really wish I didn't have to work and could just go do things for her and run her around wherever she needs to go and get her into the hospital still in one piece. On the other hand I have my responsibilities to my boss who pays me which allows me to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head and food on the table.
Yes I know if I ask my boss will probably give me the time off but I soo do not feel comfortable about asking.
Perhaps some of the arrrrgghhhh I'm feeling is because whilst I feel a responsibility to my mum (simply because she is my mum) it is solely this sense of responsibility that makes me feel I should do these things for her. Our relationship is still not one of mother/daughter, our connection is not very strong.
And it Causes Another Dilemna
I have just booked myself in for a two day Reiki course, to be held on the 29th & 30th this month - yes this has now become the weekend that mum is possibly going to be coming home (here to my place) from hospital araaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh
I don't feel that I can go off and do this course with a clear conscience if my mum has just come home from hospital. To put that responsibility of 'looking after her' onto my children is not appropriate, it is not something they should have to do.
BUT I have been looking forward to this course so much, been doing a heap of reading and research about it there is no way that I want to have to put it off.
I guess I could console myself with the fact that the course is only 9.30 - 3.00 each day and is only 5 minutes from home. If something really bad happened the kids could ring me and I could come home. But I will soooo not want to grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr a aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh
gah I am so stirred up at the moment, I think I need to go meditate. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. Torn between doing what is seen as 'the right thing' and doing something for myself.
Mums Had An Accident
I had a call from my mum tonight, she caused a serious accident today as a result of going through a red light - the fact of which she was totally unaware.
Thankfully all three people involved (including my mum) have, seemingly, minor injuries only.
Not Really Unexpected ...
Over a year ago, before she had her back surgery, my children and I had decided we didn't want to be driven by her anymore. Whilst her driving was ok, it had become a bit of a scarey event. I think this became more so the case for my children as they became drivers themselves, and were thus more aware of driving skills.
I didn't say anything to my mum about this at the time, and now here we are - she has been involved in, and was the cause of, an accident. Thank everyone's deities that no one was seriously hurt.
And I feel a touch of guilt that I didn't say anything back then about her driving skills. If I say something about it now I'm sure it will seem undue admonishment, though she certainly sounded really dumbfounded as to how she could have driven through a red light without knowing it.
The other hard thing about saying that I don't think she should be driving is her experience in the past with her own mother, and having been through that scenario with her mother.
Harder still the fact that she lives over an hour from the city and, having been on her own for quite a long time now, she is fiercely independent.
How can I broach the subject - she will look and see the path her own mother went down, and be horrified to think that will happen to her.
And ... More Surgery Coming Up
The accident occurred here in the city. She was here for a doctors appointment to sort out what to do about her back. She fell whilst on holidays recently and has chipped one of her vertebrae.
She is booked in for surgery for Tuesday of next week. She will be staying here with me following her release from hospital, same as last time.
It's good in a way because she will not be able to drive. However there is the intervening week during which she has to get a bunch of blood and other tests done in preparation for the surgery. And these tests have been organised (as she saw the doctor before the accident happened today) to be done close to her home.
She is going to get a hire car. I feel so frustrated, what can I do? I can't do anything because I have to work and having only recently changed jobs I'm still in my probation/trial period and can't ask to have a day or two off now to take her home and get all that sorted out, and then perhaps another day next week to see her right in regards to being in hospital etc.
I really wish I didn't have to work and could just go do things for her and run her around wherever she needs to go and get her into the hospital still in one piece. On the other hand I have my responsibilities to my boss who pays me which allows me to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head and food on the table.
Yes I know if I ask my boss will probably give me the time off but I soo do not feel comfortable about asking.
Perhaps some of the arrrrgghhhh I'm feeling is because whilst I feel a responsibility to my mum (simply because she is my mum) it is solely this sense of responsibility that makes me feel I should do these things for her. Our relationship is still not one of mother/daughter, our connection is not very strong.
And it Causes Another Dilemna
I have just booked myself in for a two day Reiki course, to be held on the 29th & 30th this month - yes this has now become the weekend that mum is possibly going to be coming home (here to my place) from hospital araaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh
I don't feel that I can go off and do this course with a clear conscience if my mum has just come home from hospital. To put that responsibility of 'looking after her' onto my children is not appropriate, it is not something they should have to do.
BUT I have been looking forward to this course so much, been doing a heap of reading and research about it there is no way that I want to have to put it off.
I guess I could console myself with the fact that the course is only 9.30 - 3.00 each day and is only 5 minutes from home. If something really bad happened the kids could ring me and I could come home. But I will soooo not want to grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr a aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh
gah I am so stirred up at the moment, I think I need to go meditate. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. Torn between doing what is seen as 'the right thing' and doing something for myself.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Meditation
I am having another go at meditating. Did it on Sunday night and again tonight.
I think I did better tonight than Sunday night; I seemed to get into a deeper state this time. Don't know whether my choice to not play music this time helped, I think maybe it did.
I will keep trying, though I perhaps need to lock the cat out of the bedroom as it's pretty hard to stay in a certain state when you have a cat walking around on your stomache purring and trying to rub herself up against your hands and chin.
My aim at the moment is to achieve the state I felt when I had the Tibetan Bowl massage earlier this year.
I think I did better tonight than Sunday night; I seemed to get into a deeper state this time. Don't know whether my choice to not play music this time helped, I think maybe it did.
I will keep trying, though I perhaps need to lock the cat out of the bedroom as it's pretty hard to stay in a certain state when you have a cat walking around on your stomache purring and trying to rub herself up against your hands and chin.
My aim at the moment is to achieve the state I felt when I had the Tibetan Bowl massage earlier this year.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Sigh
I hurry home, to my safe place, but find there is nothing here for me. Nothing to do, no one is coming. And I wonder why I bothered to hurry home :(
We met tonight for coffee, it was .... strange. I sat and listened to his chatter but felt very detached/disconnected. I wonder if it showed, I think it probably did :(
I am concerned for him, he looked a bit haggard and as though he has lost even more weight :(. It seems to me he has been keeping himself busy so as to be distracted from what has happened. I wonder whether he is doing any 'processing'.
As for me, processing is about all I do. I am unmotivated to 'do' anything.
I stay up later than normal because if I go to bed at a reasonable hour I wake at 3 or 4 and then again at 6, and the alarm does not go until 7.
He asks me how I am, but then adds 'how's work' - obviously pointing the way the conversation is to go - stay with the light stuff his words tell me; it seems he does not wish to discuss what happened, what my thoughts and feelings are about it, and how I really am :(. This frustrates and saddens me as it is the thing I wish to discuss the most.
I want to see him, but I am starting to wonder whether that's because I genuinely wish to see him, or whether it is because I want him to see me.
I find it difficult to hear him talk of making friendships with other/new women. I don't think he realises this yet; how would he, he doesn't ask, we don't talk about feelings.
I feel one of the reasons I couldn't/didn't attached well with him is because it was always in the back of my mind that he would be going back to NZ at some time. If it was going to be sooner it would have been unlikely I would have gone with him. If it had been a few years down the track then I don't know, I would have thought about it at least.... To that he said 'all of my relationships have been long term ones' ........ then last Thursday night when we met for dinner he says in the car ' I'm thinking of going back to NZ'. What am I supposed to say, how am I supposed to react, how am I supposed to feel? I said nothing.
After having been with him tonight, as I drove home thinking about how detached and disconnected I felt during our conversation, I felt that my walls were a thousand feet high again :(, that I am totally closed once more :( And I felt that doesn't help me be much of a friend - to anyone because I will not connect, not allow them to connect, and not connect with them.
And so I am left again with the three people with whom I am connected, to at least some degree - my ex-husband and my children. These three are always there and I believe they will not leave me. I think deep down I do not believe this of anyone else. And I suppose that's not so strange a thing to think, because everyone else has left at some point, for some time. (This is not to forget my Best Friend, who is there as well, but geographically removed.)
He (the Kiwi) will be in this city for at least 6 months due to work commitments, but after that is anyones' guess. Even he does not know. I believe he needs to do some personal sorting for himself, work out what he needs to do for himself, and I'm not certain he is doing that :(
As for my processing, it isn't getting me anywhere fast (de ja vue anyone?), mostly because there is no discussion with him to help me find answers.
So I will try to return to attempting meditation, try to seek some clarity of purpose and role again for myself, try again to seek my true self and peace. It's a long and winding road, and a pretty lonely one too :(
Side note - medical
I think something bad is happening in my lungs. I am trying once more to reduce my smoking with the goal of ceasing entirely by the end of this month. Will I succeed? I don't know, and that doubt by itself makes me think that I probably wont.
We met tonight for coffee, it was .... strange. I sat and listened to his chatter but felt very detached/disconnected. I wonder if it showed, I think it probably did :(
I am concerned for him, he looked a bit haggard and as though he has lost even more weight :(. It seems to me he has been keeping himself busy so as to be distracted from what has happened. I wonder whether he is doing any 'processing'.
As for me, processing is about all I do. I am unmotivated to 'do' anything.
I stay up later than normal because if I go to bed at a reasonable hour I wake at 3 or 4 and then again at 6, and the alarm does not go until 7.
He asks me how I am, but then adds 'how's work' - obviously pointing the way the conversation is to go - stay with the light stuff his words tell me; it seems he does not wish to discuss what happened, what my thoughts and feelings are about it, and how I really am :(. This frustrates and saddens me as it is the thing I wish to discuss the most.
I want to see him, but I am starting to wonder whether that's because I genuinely wish to see him, or whether it is because I want him to see me.
I find it difficult to hear him talk of making friendships with other/new women. I don't think he realises this yet; how would he, he doesn't ask, we don't talk about feelings.
I feel one of the reasons I couldn't/didn't attached well with him is because it was always in the back of my mind that he would be going back to NZ at some time. If it was going to be sooner it would have been unlikely I would have gone with him. If it had been a few years down the track then I don't know, I would have thought about it at least.... To that he said 'all of my relationships have been long term ones' ........ then last Thursday night when we met for dinner he says in the car ' I'm thinking of going back to NZ'. What am I supposed to say, how am I supposed to react, how am I supposed to feel? I said nothing.
After having been with him tonight, as I drove home thinking about how detached and disconnected I felt during our conversation, I felt that my walls were a thousand feet high again :(, that I am totally closed once more :( And I felt that doesn't help me be much of a friend - to anyone because I will not connect, not allow them to connect, and not connect with them.
And so I am left again with the three people with whom I am connected, to at least some degree - my ex-husband and my children. These three are always there and I believe they will not leave me. I think deep down I do not believe this of anyone else. And I suppose that's not so strange a thing to think, because everyone else has left at some point, for some time. (This is not to forget my Best Friend, who is there as well, but geographically removed.)
He (the Kiwi) will be in this city for at least 6 months due to work commitments, but after that is anyones' guess. Even he does not know. I believe he needs to do some personal sorting for himself, work out what he needs to do for himself, and I'm not certain he is doing that :(
As for my processing, it isn't getting me anywhere fast (de ja vue anyone?), mostly because there is no discussion with him to help me find answers.
So I will try to return to attempting meditation, try to seek some clarity of purpose and role again for myself, try again to seek my true self and peace. It's a long and winding road, and a pretty lonely one too :(
Side note - medical
I think something bad is happening in my lungs. I am trying once more to reduce my smoking with the goal of ceasing entirely by the end of this month. Will I succeed? I don't know, and that doubt by itself makes me think that I probably wont.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Another Dream
I had another dream last night - this time a chance meeting with TB. Wow, where did that come from?
It was some kind of school or fete thing, I passed him and recognized him, a flash of that puzzles 'where do I know you from' look passed over his face. Later saw him watching some children do something (had the impression one of the children was his son .. only about 4 or 5 years old) and we talked for a bit - about what I have no idea.
It was some kind of school or fete thing, I passed him and recognized him, a flash of that puzzles 'where do I know you from' look passed over his face. Later saw him watching some children do something (had the impression one of the children was his son .. only about 4 or 5 years old) and we talked for a bit - about what I have no idea.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Learnings
And so to a list of what I have learned about myself this time:
* I have an attachment issue - I don't attach. Maybe the thought that 'everyone leaves' is too strong within me
* Related to above - my heart is still closed :(, I didn't/couldn't let him in
* I'm only a part-timer, and that doesn't suit everyone
* I'm not strong enough to hide things that aren't useful for someone else to see :(
* I guess I'm just a cold-hearted damaged bitch :(
* I have an attachment issue - I don't attach. Maybe the thought that 'everyone leaves' is too strong within me
* Related to above - my heart is still closed :(, I didn't/couldn't let him in
* I'm only a part-timer, and that doesn't suit everyone
* I'm not strong enough to hide things that aren't useful for someone else to see :(
* I guess I'm just a cold-hearted damaged bitch :(
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Just had a strange dream
Took the train to Mandurah, had a smallish plastic car under my arm that was the car I drive in town. Met up with ex. Amazing house, they had just finished having the alabaster done. Mum and dad and woman living with him and children, including two babies. Had the Falcon. He was supposed to drive us to somewhere - half way home, but in Ocean Keys ppl move your car to another spot if it's in the way. Saw my cousin from Canbera driving a flash sports car. Found out ex had won a 30, or 60, or 90 million dollar compensation payment for a minor brain damage injury whilst he was helping his father build this house.
I was furious.
Took the train to Mandurah, had a smallish plastic car under my arm that was the car I drive in town. Met up with ex. Amazing house, they had just finished having the alabaster done. Mum and dad and woman living with him and children, including two babies. Had the Falcon. He was supposed to drive us to somewhere - half way home, but in Ocean Keys ppl move your car to another spot if it's in the way. Saw my cousin from Canbera driving a flash sports car. Found out ex had won a 30, or 60, or 90 million dollar compensation payment for a minor brain damage injury whilst he was helping his father build this house.
I was furious.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Busy Busy Busy
It's been a busy week - started the new job last Monday, going ok so far. Also changed ISP so was without any internet access for several days, and then only dial-up until this evening.
After having had ADSL access for 7 or more years it was rather hellish going back to dial-up, but now I have a superfast ADSL 2+ connection and all seems to be fine so far (touch wood!).
So tonight I am re-uploading my main website and trying to ensure that I've told all necessary web-sites/mailing lists/friends etc my new email address, and then I'll have to go over to Google and try get my site re-listed. Ahhhh the joys of the internet life!
Kiwi
My man-friend is back in NZ to visit his son. Only a short visit this time, which is not really terrific as the time will go far too soon for him I'm sure :(
Grandma
I've become a grandma again .... no, no, my children haven't produced offspring - it's Guardian Angel Knitting time again and I've started on a scarf. I still have the scarves and beanies I made last year sitting here, maybe I'll actually get to take them back to the chemist before the cut-off date this year!
Must go - much to be done, including my best friends' bookwork
Ciao!
After having had ADSL access for 7 or more years it was rather hellish going back to dial-up, but now I have a superfast ADSL 2+ connection and all seems to be fine so far (touch wood!).
So tonight I am re-uploading my main website and trying to ensure that I've told all necessary web-sites/mailing lists/friends etc my new email address, and then I'll have to go over to Google and try get my site re-listed. Ahhhh the joys of the internet life!
Kiwi
My man-friend is back in NZ to visit his son. Only a short visit this time, which is not really terrific as the time will go far too soon for him I'm sure :(
Grandma
I've become a grandma again .... no, no, my children haven't produced offspring - it's Guardian Angel Knitting time again and I've started on a scarf. I still have the scarves and beanies I made last year sitting here, maybe I'll actually get to take them back to the chemist before the cut-off date this year!
Must go - much to be done, including my best friends' bookwork
Ciao!
Monday, June 25, 2007
New Beginnings
The Leaving....
And so the countdown begins .. 4 days left at my job.
Thankfully we have found someone to (try to) take my place. I'm sure she will be fine, eventually.
4 days in which to teach my replacement how to back a trailer - cos none of the guys here can do it without taking an hour accompanied by much swearing and cursing and losing of tempers.
4 days in which to teach her everything I've learned about this business over the last 3 years and 9 months. Pass on to her the intimate knowledge I have of this business; it's history with various clients, the relationships between the people who work here, when it's wise to speak up and wise to shut up. Impossible task, I know, and I know the others will find it hard for a while not having me there, but the boss has always said that no one is indispensible. They will go on, the business will continue to grow and I wish them all the very best of fortunes.
I know I will be sorely missed, but it is time for this little black duck to move on.
Show me the Money? No, It's not about the money.
I'm not upset about the fact that to get someone new they had to offer more than I have been getting paid - the boss did hint to the question as to whether I would stay for the salary and bonus they are now oferring - but he new that for me it isn't a matter of money; it's about life.
I have no idea whether any kind of departure celebration has been planned, other than I will take cake in on Friday. Other than the boss/owner I am the longest serving employee.
It doesn't really feel yet as though I'm leaving, though that did start to creep into my consciousness when the new girl started. But it still hasn't really hit me yet; that next Monday I will not be working with these people, will have to learn to say a different name when I answer the phone .... will be able to sleep in for an extra hour if I choose, or maybe I'll still get up and do something useful instead - like some Tai Chi (hmmm going by the weather lately I think I'll be staying in bed snuggled under the doona!), will only have to fill my car once a month instead of every fortnight, can dash home for lunch if I feel like it!
New Beginnings ..
So a few new beginnings for me in the week after this. Fingers crossed it proves to have been a good decision.
In Other News..
My gentleman caller (yes I'm still trying to find an appropriate term) and I are going well. I see a lot of him during the week the children aren't here, and usually we manage to get together a couple of times in the week they aren't here. It's not that they don't get on, it's just that whilst my kids are no longer kids (at 19 and nearly 18) and have their own things to do they still do like to have their mum around just in case and they're both home-bodies just like their mum and dad, so I like to be here when they're here.
I don't know that it will be a particularly long term relationship as he has plans to move back to NZ at some time, and I don't know whether I would go with him. I still feel that he is in this deeper than me, but also believe we both know this isn't 'it'; and I'm OK with that, and I think he's ok with that too.
Sewing
I'm doing a small amount of sewing at the moment - I'm making matching pyjamas for my gentleman caller and his 5 year old son. He mentioned it would be really great to have matching ones to take back with him when he goes to NZ for a visit in just over a week, and we couldn't find anything appropriate in the shops so I said I'd make some.
He's told me a number of times that what he wants to do 'when he grows up' (this is the gentleman caller, not the son!) is to be a pirate - so when I saw the skull and crossbones flanalette I knew it was just perfect.
The sons' PJs are done other than the drawstring and the dads' set is cut out.
As I'm not known for speed in actually completing a garment I am off to the sewing machine now cos I have one week and one day to get these finished!
I still read all your blogs regularly even though I don't write much in here, so keep writing everyone!
Ciao fer now
And so the countdown begins .. 4 days left at my job.
Thankfully we have found someone to (try to) take my place. I'm sure she will be fine, eventually.
4 days in which to teach my replacement how to back a trailer - cos none of the guys here can do it without taking an hour accompanied by much swearing and cursing and losing of tempers.
4 days in which to teach her everything I've learned about this business over the last 3 years and 9 months. Pass on to her the intimate knowledge I have of this business; it's history with various clients, the relationships between the people who work here, when it's wise to speak up and wise to shut up. Impossible task, I know, and I know the others will find it hard for a while not having me there, but the boss has always said that no one is indispensible. They will go on, the business will continue to grow and I wish them all the very best of fortunes.
I know I will be sorely missed, but it is time for this little black duck to move on.
Show me the Money? No, It's not about the money.
I'm not upset about the fact that to get someone new they had to offer more than I have been getting paid - the boss did hint to the question as to whether I would stay for the salary and bonus they are now oferring - but he new that for me it isn't a matter of money; it's about life.
I have no idea whether any kind of departure celebration has been planned, other than I will take cake in on Friday. Other than the boss/owner I am the longest serving employee.
It doesn't really feel yet as though I'm leaving, though that did start to creep into my consciousness when the new girl started. But it still hasn't really hit me yet; that next Monday I will not be working with these people, will have to learn to say a different name when I answer the phone .... will be able to sleep in for an extra hour if I choose, or maybe I'll still get up and do something useful instead - like some Tai Chi (hmmm going by the weather lately I think I'll be staying in bed snuggled under the doona!), will only have to fill my car once a month instead of every fortnight, can dash home for lunch if I feel like it!
New Beginnings ..
So a few new beginnings for me in the week after this. Fingers crossed it proves to have been a good decision.
In Other News..
My gentleman caller (yes I'm still trying to find an appropriate term) and I are going well. I see a lot of him during the week the children aren't here, and usually we manage to get together a couple of times in the week they aren't here. It's not that they don't get on, it's just that whilst my kids are no longer kids (at 19 and nearly 18) and have their own things to do they still do like to have their mum around just in case and they're both home-bodies just like their mum and dad, so I like to be here when they're here.
I don't know that it will be a particularly long term relationship as he has plans to move back to NZ at some time, and I don't know whether I would go with him. I still feel that he is in this deeper than me, but also believe we both know this isn't 'it'; and I'm OK with that, and I think he's ok with that too.
Sewing
I'm doing a small amount of sewing at the moment - I'm making matching pyjamas for my gentleman caller and his 5 year old son. He mentioned it would be really great to have matching ones to take back with him when he goes to NZ for a visit in just over a week, and we couldn't find anything appropriate in the shops so I said I'd make some.
He's told me a number of times that what he wants to do 'when he grows up' (this is the gentleman caller, not the son!) is to be a pirate - so when I saw the skull and crossbones flanalette I knew it was just perfect.
The sons' PJs are done other than the drawstring and the dads' set is cut out.
As I'm not known for speed in actually completing a garment I am off to the sewing machine now cos I have one week and one day to get these finished!
I still read all your blogs regularly even though I don't write much in here, so keep writing everyone!
Ciao fer now
Monday, June 04, 2007
Oh .. and in other news....
I have a new job! Though don't start for a month as I wanted to give my current boss as much of a chance as possible to replace me before I go.
The new job is similar-ish to what I do now, but it's only 10 minutes from home. I may even be able to ride to work when the weather is amenable (but I'll have to check if there's a shower there first!)
Salary is lower than I get now but after three months, and with the new tax breaks coming into effect on 1 July I'll be earning the same as I do now.
For me these days, life is more about balance, and I certainly can do without sitting in my car for about one and a half hours every day getting to and from work.
It was difficult handing in my notice; I've never had to do that *ever* before.
So, it's into the unknown for me come 2 July - fingers crossed that it works out.
The new job is similar-ish to what I do now, but it's only 10 minutes from home. I may even be able to ride to work when the weather is amenable (but I'll have to check if there's a shower there first!)
Salary is lower than I get now but after three months, and with the new tax breaks coming into effect on 1 July I'll be earning the same as I do now.
For me these days, life is more about balance, and I certainly can do without sitting in my car for about one and a half hours every day getting to and from work.
It was difficult handing in my notice; I've never had to do that *ever* before.
So, it's into the unknown for me come 2 July - fingers crossed that it works out.
Expensive Roast Dinner
Who would ever have thought that a marinated beef rolled roast dinner could cost $1400.00?
I certainly didn't, but it did.
But no, it wasn't really the roast that cost so much; more it is the price we have had to pay for our own laziness.
See we had a yummy roast dinner and feeling all full and content none of us felt like doing the dishes, so we didn't.
The biggest problem of all is that someone didn't clean the scraps off their plate. Qetesh found them delicious - including the string that had been left on the plate.
A few days later she deposited some of it (orally) on the carpeted stairs (why is it that in a house of almost entirely hardwood floors she always manages to be ill on the carpet or rug? - one of life's little mysteries I guess) . Four days later I realised something was very wrong - she wasn't eating.
Long story short, there was still some roast string inside of her and it caused some fairly serious damage. She is now without some of her intestine but one week after her week in the hospital she has become playful again and is back to her old self - except for the shaved bits on her neck and leg and a *very* bare belly.
Back to the vet this week coming to have her stitches removed and see if she is allowed to start eating hard foods again.
Moral of the story - if you're not going to do the dishes at least scrape the plates clean!
I certainly didn't, but it did.
But no, it wasn't really the roast that cost so much; more it is the price we have had to pay for our own laziness.
See we had a yummy roast dinner and feeling all full and content none of us felt like doing the dishes, so we didn't.
The biggest problem of all is that someone didn't clean the scraps off their plate. Qetesh found them delicious - including the string that had been left on the plate.
A few days later she deposited some of it (orally) on the carpeted stairs (why is it that in a house of almost entirely hardwood floors she always manages to be ill on the carpet or rug? - one of life's little mysteries I guess) . Four days later I realised something was very wrong - she wasn't eating.
Long story short, there was still some roast string inside of her and it caused some fairly serious damage. She is now without some of her intestine but one week after her week in the hospital she has become playful again and is back to her old self - except for the shaved bits on her neck and leg and a *very* bare belly.
Back to the vet this week coming to have her stitches removed and see if she is allowed to start eating hard foods again.
Moral of the story - if you're not going to do the dishes at least scrape the plates clean!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Disco Horsie
I was wandering around on UTube this morning, something I very rarely do and found this:
Sensational Dancing Horse
I got goosebumps watching this - if you're not into horses it probably wont do much for you. It's a horse doing dressage - *amazing* dressage.
I also found out by watching a Top Gear clip that if you happen to drive your car into water that the best thing is to get out quickly, not, as one myth goes, wait until the car fills completely with water and the pressure equalizes.
So there you go, something to make you bop a bit and something to save your life.
Sensational Dancing Horse
I got goosebumps watching this - if you're not into horses it probably wont do much for you. It's a horse doing dressage - *amazing* dressage.
I also found out by watching a Top Gear clip that if you happen to drive your car into water that the best thing is to get out quickly, not, as one myth goes, wait until the car fills completely with water and the pressure equalizes.
So there you go, something to make you bop a bit and something to save your life.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I Feel the Need, The Need ...
to write.
And of course tonight it has taken me 20 minutes to get logged on to blogger
I don't really know what I need to write about, so I'll just write and see what comes; how it goes.
Health
I weigh 51kg as of this morning. Several possible reasons for weight gain - reduced smoking by about half (ie reduced metabolic rate could be a reason for weight gain), I am back on the contraceptive injections (says you could put on 2kg), I'm less stressed, I have a male companion (boyfriend at our age just doesn't sound right), and as I've been busy with said male companion I haven't been gardening nor exercising much. I have a belly and I have some semblance of a bosom!
My face has been breaking out for about 2 months now. I really dislike it. Hormonal related? Maybe, but I wouldn't think so - not for this long.
Still have my elbow rash - it comes and goes as always.
Other stuff
Finished my red dress that I started last year. The All Fools Fayre is on this Saturday and I will wear it then (it has had one showing already), and my daughter will wear her green dress - though she wants the cloak made as well so that is scheduled for tomorrow and Friday nights' entertainment.
Tai Chi
I have started learning Tai Chi. It's the Taoist Tai Chi. I joined not for the health benefits that this style is known for, rather for the calming the heart and mind and the 'moving meditation' aspects. I'm enjoying it. My ex-hubby is doing it with me, and my male companion commenced this week also (though at a different branch than I attend).
I like the flowing, the peacefulness of it. The stretches feel good. I'm not yet graceful and am only about half way through the set of 108 moves, but it will come.
Self
I have been doing lots of 'doing' and, as a result, not a lot of thinking. I have times of feeling that I need to take a step back and think; that's part of what the writing tonight is about. I tried to do some meditation this evening and although I didn't get really into it it was ok, I'm glad I did it.
Feeling a little as though I've lost myself :( Was concerned this might happen and is probably why the need for some thinking is upon me.
Why do I feel I've lost myself? Because I'm not doing the things I usually do - not gardening, not spending a lot of time thinking, not writing. Not having my quiet time to myself.
Relationship
Have been through some very teenagerish times. They seem to have calmed down now. I'm kinda sad about that, the teenagerish feeling is great. Thinking that the other party is in deep, perhaps deeper than he had realised, perhaps deeper than he thought he would be.
More I'd like to write but I'm tired and need my bed.
And of course tonight it has taken me 20 minutes to get logged on to blogger
I don't really know what I need to write about, so I'll just write and see what comes; how it goes.
Health
I weigh 51kg as of this morning. Several possible reasons for weight gain - reduced smoking by about half (ie reduced metabolic rate could be a reason for weight gain), I am back on the contraceptive injections (says you could put on 2kg), I'm less stressed, I have a male companion (boyfriend at our age just doesn't sound right), and as I've been busy with said male companion I haven't been gardening nor exercising much. I have a belly and I have some semblance of a bosom!
My face has been breaking out for about 2 months now. I really dislike it. Hormonal related? Maybe, but I wouldn't think so - not for this long.
Still have my elbow rash - it comes and goes as always.
Other stuff
Finished my red dress that I started last year. The All Fools Fayre is on this Saturday and I will wear it then (it has had one showing already), and my daughter will wear her green dress - though she wants the cloak made as well so that is scheduled for tomorrow and Friday nights' entertainment.
Tai Chi
I have started learning Tai Chi. It's the Taoist Tai Chi. I joined not for the health benefits that this style is known for, rather for the calming the heart and mind and the 'moving meditation' aspects. I'm enjoying it. My ex-hubby is doing it with me, and my male companion commenced this week also (though at a different branch than I attend).
I like the flowing, the peacefulness of it. The stretches feel good. I'm not yet graceful and am only about half way through the set of 108 moves, but it will come.
Self
I have been doing lots of 'doing' and, as a result, not a lot of thinking. I have times of feeling that I need to take a step back and think; that's part of what the writing tonight is about. I tried to do some meditation this evening and although I didn't get really into it it was ok, I'm glad I did it.
Feeling a little as though I've lost myself :( Was concerned this might happen and is probably why the need for some thinking is upon me.
Why do I feel I've lost myself? Because I'm not doing the things I usually do - not gardening, not spending a lot of time thinking, not writing. Not having my quiet time to myself.
Relationship
Have been through some very teenagerish times. They seem to have calmed down now. I'm kinda sad about that, the teenagerish feeling is great. Thinking that the other party is in deep, perhaps deeper than he had realised, perhaps deeper than he thought he would be.
More I'd like to write but I'm tired and need my bed.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Quick jottings of dream points to help me remember later..
I'm leaving somewhere (maybe permanently) drop by /bump into friends he has ahot car, asks me to take 15 minutes to go for a drive with him 'cos I have look good in the car with my hot body' - I go for the drive.
A service station ... about 6-8 guys with beanies over their faces kind of robbing the place... but somehow it's only pretend and I'm told not to believe what my eyes see.
A room that I have to use a somewhat precarious stacking of chairs/tables to get in and out of ... get in an out a few times .... one time a man on a matress floating in water ... I rush to get out and the tables crash down after me as I get out.
Excrement - that's all I'll say about that
The wells are drying up (water wells) .. I have a big pipe thing attached into the ground .. somehow by unattaching then re-attaching the pipe I save the wells from drying up, there is water aplenty (kind of have the impression of a 'gusher')
I'm leaving somewhere (maybe permanently) drop by /bump into friends he has ahot car, asks me to take 15 minutes to go for a drive with him 'cos I have look good in the car with my hot body' - I go for the drive.
A service station ... about 6-8 guys with beanies over their faces kind of robbing the place... but somehow it's only pretend and I'm told not to believe what my eyes see.
A room that I have to use a somewhat precarious stacking of chairs/tables to get in and out of ... get in an out a few times .... one time a man on a matress floating in water ... I rush to get out and the tables crash down after me as I get out.
Excrement - that's all I'll say about that
The wells are drying up (water wells) .. I have a big pipe thing attached into the ground .. somehow by unattaching then re-attaching the pipe I save the wells from drying up, there is water aplenty (kind of have the impression of a 'gusher')
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Should I Stay or Should I Go....
I need to write to help me think...
I said I was going to go slowly slowly ... but the separation seemed to cause a rush forward. Now that he is back we have seen each other 4/5 times in one week Sunday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday was really a continuation of Wednesday, Saturday night). Doesn't sound much like slowly slowly does it. I put it down to being in 'catch up' mode, but we kinda went past just catching up and have definitely gone past the point where we were when he left on his holiday.
He is letting me lead; he is not pushing me on this. It would seem I'm not good at slowly slowly ... that I don't want to go slowly slowly, but my brain keeps telling me it would be a good idea.
Two comments made recently though gave me pause for thought, and resulted in a return to the castle. One of the comments made me feel it would be inadvisable to allow myself to get too close to this person - afterall, everyone does leave. The other comment/observation was one that had started coming into my awareness also, and makes me feel that perhaps I really am not ready for this - a relationship. I am/have become too selfish. It is all about me, but whilst I am in this getting back into the water stage is that such a bad thing - to be protective of myself trying to make sure I don't drown? But maybe it's more than just that :(
And yet another observation made just recently - that there was a lot of passion being given/ being put out, but none seemed to be being allowed to enter or be received. Yes, this had been in my thoughts also - that I am not yet open to receiving. My heart is still closed. Happy to give but not receive.
Possible to take a step (or two) back? No, I don't think so. Possible to slow the rate of progress from here - yes, if I can manage to make myself do that. Seems to be a big ask going from recent experience.
Part of me feels like just saying no, no more and going back to life by myself. Yet I know that by not sticking with it I will learn nothing .... but the longer I stick with it then, surely, the possibility of harm/hurt (for either party) becomes greater?
So I will stick with it, and try to take things slowly. I want my heart to be in it, maybe it just needs some time to get comfortable and make an appearance.
I said I was going to go slowly slowly ... but the separation seemed to cause a rush forward. Now that he is back we have seen each other 4/5 times in one week Sunday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday was really a continuation of Wednesday, Saturday night). Doesn't sound much like slowly slowly does it. I put it down to being in 'catch up' mode, but we kinda went past just catching up and have definitely gone past the point where we were when he left on his holiday.
He is letting me lead; he is not pushing me on this. It would seem I'm not good at slowly slowly ... that I don't want to go slowly slowly, but my brain keeps telling me it would be a good idea.
Two comments made recently though gave me pause for thought, and resulted in a return to the castle. One of the comments made me feel it would be inadvisable to allow myself to get too close to this person - afterall, everyone does leave. The other comment/observation was one that had started coming into my awareness also, and makes me feel that perhaps I really am not ready for this - a relationship. I am/have become too selfish. It is all about me, but whilst I am in this getting back into the water stage is that such a bad thing - to be protective of myself trying to make sure I don't drown? But maybe it's more than just that :(
And yet another observation made just recently - that there was a lot of passion being given/ being put out, but none seemed to be being allowed to enter or be received. Yes, this had been in my thoughts also - that I am not yet open to receiving. My heart is still closed. Happy to give but not receive.
Possible to take a step (or two) back? No, I don't think so. Possible to slow the rate of progress from here - yes, if I can manage to make myself do that. Seems to be a big ask going from recent experience.
Part of me feels like just saying no, no more and going back to life by myself. Yet I know that by not sticking with it I will learn nothing .... but the longer I stick with it then, surely, the possibility of harm/hurt (for either party) becomes greater?
So I will stick with it, and try to take things slowly. I want my heart to be in it, maybe it just needs some time to get comfortable and make an appearance.
Friday, February 02, 2007
It's been a while hasn't it, ah well, ya get that.
My last post - yes I had a decision to make. I had been seeing three guys, and I knew it was coming to be the time I needed to make a decision about that. So now I am only seeing two, and one of those I haven't laid eyes or ears (or anything else) on for about three weeks, so I guess I'm not seeing him either. And the one that I am 'seeing', well, he is overseas on a holiday. So technically I guess I'm not seeing anyone at the moment! But yes, decision made.
I've been back at work three weeks. It's still not my favourite thing to do. Another decision to be made.
Goddammn but it feels good to be sitting here writing in my blog again - I didn't realise that I'd missed it, but now that I am sitting here typing it feels sooooo good :)
I had a busy time during the holidays - yes, me, busy. I went places I hadn't been since my kids were shorter than my ermm ... navel! Kings Park for a whole day, Point Walter and swam in the river, and I went to the beach (granted it was at 1am one time and about 9pm the other time, but it was still the beach!). And I started cycling a bit more -thanks to finding a bike buddy (aka the one who is overseas) who has a bike rack!
Had a bit of a health scare last Sunday - fainted (which is not so unusual) and had a seizure whilst I was out (not so usual). Can't be anything major as the doc is happy to wait two weeks for me to have the bunch of blood tests he has ordered (after doing some rather strange reflex/response tests on me and an ECG in the surgery).
Good news on the health front is that I can return to having my three monthly contraceptive jab. I'd had to stop as I'd been on it nearly 7 years and that's as far as the field tests go. I'm a little concerned about restarting though as I've heard of folk who had no side affects the first time around suffering from them if they go back onto it after a break. I guess I'll find out whether that's going to be me in just over two weeks time.
My daughter will be going for her full drivers licence next week, and is enrolled in uni doing contemporary arts (of course). My son isn't returning to TAFE, has given up the pizza delivery job this week and is working *very* part time at an outdoor laser fighting game place.
I haven't had any emails or txts in my dreams/in-between sleep and awake time since I last posted about it. No more (real) emails either, and scant infrequent visits to the site. I still think about him fairly often, especially when I see a car like his - though he probably has a snazzy sports car by now. I still hope that everything is going well in his world and wonder whether, and in what circumstances, our paths will ever cross again.
I have had time for some contemplation amidst all my hustle and bustle. I'm reading a book on Buddhism to give it a second chance after my, possibly, cursory dismissal of it a few months ago. There are still things in there that I am dead set against, but there are parts of the book I'm reading that describe precisely where I am at and where it is that I am trying to get to, so it's interesting.
Tai Chi is next on my list of things to do - my first class is on 10th Feb. My attraction to it is the 'calming of the heart' and 'moving meditation' descriptions of it rather than any particular health benefits - for me it's all about the inner me.
I finished the red dress I was making for myself, but am yet to start on my daughters cloak - my excuse is the meltingly hot weather we have been having on the weekends.
Enough blabbering on, I may settle in later and write some actual thoughts.
My last post - yes I had a decision to make. I had been seeing three guys, and I knew it was coming to be the time I needed to make a decision about that. So now I am only seeing two, and one of those I haven't laid eyes or ears (or anything else) on for about three weeks, so I guess I'm not seeing him either. And the one that I am 'seeing', well, he is overseas on a holiday. So technically I guess I'm not seeing anyone at the moment! But yes, decision made.
I've been back at work three weeks. It's still not my favourite thing to do. Another decision to be made.
Goddammn but it feels good to be sitting here writing in my blog again - I didn't realise that I'd missed it, but now that I am sitting here typing it feels sooooo good :)
I had a busy time during the holidays - yes, me, busy. I went places I hadn't been since my kids were shorter than my ermm ... navel! Kings Park for a whole day, Point Walter and swam in the river, and I went to the beach (granted it was at 1am one time and about 9pm the other time, but it was still the beach!). And I started cycling a bit more -thanks to finding a bike buddy (aka the one who is overseas) who has a bike rack!
Had a bit of a health scare last Sunday - fainted (which is not so unusual) and had a seizure whilst I was out (not so usual). Can't be anything major as the doc is happy to wait two weeks for me to have the bunch of blood tests he has ordered (after doing some rather strange reflex/response tests on me and an ECG in the surgery).
Good news on the health front is that I can return to having my three monthly contraceptive jab. I'd had to stop as I'd been on it nearly 7 years and that's as far as the field tests go. I'm a little concerned about restarting though as I've heard of folk who had no side affects the first time around suffering from them if they go back onto it after a break. I guess I'll find out whether that's going to be me in just over two weeks time.
My daughter will be going for her full drivers licence next week, and is enrolled in uni doing contemporary arts (of course). My son isn't returning to TAFE, has given up the pizza delivery job this week and is working *very* part time at an outdoor laser fighting game place.
I haven't had any emails or txts in my dreams/in-between sleep and awake time since I last posted about it. No more (real) emails either, and scant infrequent visits to the site. I still think about him fairly often, especially when I see a car like his - though he probably has a snazzy sports car by now. I still hope that everything is going well in his world and wonder whether, and in what circumstances, our paths will ever cross again.
I have had time for some contemplation amidst all my hustle and bustle. I'm reading a book on Buddhism to give it a second chance after my, possibly, cursory dismissal of it a few months ago. There are still things in there that I am dead set against, but there are parts of the book I'm reading that describe precisely where I am at and where it is that I am trying to get to, so it's interesting.
Tai Chi is next on my list of things to do - my first class is on 10th Feb. My attraction to it is the 'calming of the heart' and 'moving meditation' descriptions of it rather than any particular health benefits - for me it's all about the inner me.
I finished the red dress I was making for myself, but am yet to start on my daughters cloak - my excuse is the meltingly hot weather we have been having on the weekends.
Enough blabbering on, I may settle in later and write some actual thoughts.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Dream!
More later, but for now I need to record a dream I had last night ... it's the first dream I've had since I last recorded one on here (and I need to do some pondering on what that, in itself, is telling me).
He was here with his ex-wife (!) - they were together - we spoke briefly about I don't know what, then I got up to move away from him/them ... and he followed. He was walking right up close behind me; his body pressed up against me, he was aroused. He kept pressing himself up against me and there was no doubt as to his intent. My thought (in the dream) - not sure if I spoke it out loud - was that he needed to decide with whom he wanted to be with.
I'm wondering whether this is, in fact, what *I* need to do - to decide.
He was here with his ex-wife (!) - they were together - we spoke briefly about I don't know what, then I got up to move away from him/them ... and he followed. He was walking right up close behind me; his body pressed up against me, he was aroused. He kept pressing himself up against me and there was no doubt as to his intent. My thought (in the dream) - not sure if I spoke it out loud - was that he needed to decide with whom he wanted to be with.
I'm wondering whether this is, in fact, what *I* need to do - to decide.
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