Quick jottings of dream points to help me remember later..
I'm leaving somewhere (maybe permanently) drop by /bump into friends he has ahot car, asks me to take 15 minutes to go for a drive with him 'cos I have look good in the car with my hot body' - I go for the drive.
A service station ... about 6-8 guys with beanies over their faces kind of robbing the place... but somehow it's only pretend and I'm told not to believe what my eyes see.
A room that I have to use a somewhat precarious stacking of chairs/tables to get in and out of ... get in an out a few times .... one time a man on a matress floating in water ... I rush to get out and the tables crash down after me as I get out.
Excrement - that's all I'll say about that
The wells are drying up (water wells) .. I have a big pipe thing attached into the ground .. somehow by unattaching then re-attaching the pipe I save the wells from drying up, there is water aplenty (kind of have the impression of a 'gusher')
Monday, February 19, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Should I Stay or Should I Go....
I need to write to help me think...
I said I was going to go slowly slowly ... but the separation seemed to cause a rush forward. Now that he is back we have seen each other 4/5 times in one week Sunday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday was really a continuation of Wednesday, Saturday night). Doesn't sound much like slowly slowly does it. I put it down to being in 'catch up' mode, but we kinda went past just catching up and have definitely gone past the point where we were when he left on his holiday.
He is letting me lead; he is not pushing me on this. It would seem I'm not good at slowly slowly ... that I don't want to go slowly slowly, but my brain keeps telling me it would be a good idea.
Two comments made recently though gave me pause for thought, and resulted in a return to the castle. One of the comments made me feel it would be inadvisable to allow myself to get too close to this person - afterall, everyone does leave. The other comment/observation was one that had started coming into my awareness also, and makes me feel that perhaps I really am not ready for this - a relationship. I am/have become too selfish. It is all about me, but whilst I am in this getting back into the water stage is that such a bad thing - to be protective of myself trying to make sure I don't drown? But maybe it's more than just that :(
And yet another observation made just recently - that there was a lot of passion being given/ being put out, but none seemed to be being allowed to enter or be received. Yes, this had been in my thoughts also - that I am not yet open to receiving. My heart is still closed. Happy to give but not receive.
Possible to take a step (or two) back? No, I don't think so. Possible to slow the rate of progress from here - yes, if I can manage to make myself do that. Seems to be a big ask going from recent experience.
Part of me feels like just saying no, no more and going back to life by myself. Yet I know that by not sticking with it I will learn nothing .... but the longer I stick with it then, surely, the possibility of harm/hurt (for either party) becomes greater?
So I will stick with it, and try to take things slowly. I want my heart to be in it, maybe it just needs some time to get comfortable and make an appearance.
I said I was going to go slowly slowly ... but the separation seemed to cause a rush forward. Now that he is back we have seen each other 4/5 times in one week Sunday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday was really a continuation of Wednesday, Saturday night). Doesn't sound much like slowly slowly does it. I put it down to being in 'catch up' mode, but we kinda went past just catching up and have definitely gone past the point where we were when he left on his holiday.
He is letting me lead; he is not pushing me on this. It would seem I'm not good at slowly slowly ... that I don't want to go slowly slowly, but my brain keeps telling me it would be a good idea.
Two comments made recently though gave me pause for thought, and resulted in a return to the castle. One of the comments made me feel it would be inadvisable to allow myself to get too close to this person - afterall, everyone does leave. The other comment/observation was one that had started coming into my awareness also, and makes me feel that perhaps I really am not ready for this - a relationship. I am/have become too selfish. It is all about me, but whilst I am in this getting back into the water stage is that such a bad thing - to be protective of myself trying to make sure I don't drown? But maybe it's more than just that :(
And yet another observation made just recently - that there was a lot of passion being given/ being put out, but none seemed to be being allowed to enter or be received. Yes, this had been in my thoughts also - that I am not yet open to receiving. My heart is still closed. Happy to give but not receive.
Possible to take a step (or two) back? No, I don't think so. Possible to slow the rate of progress from here - yes, if I can manage to make myself do that. Seems to be a big ask going from recent experience.
Part of me feels like just saying no, no more and going back to life by myself. Yet I know that by not sticking with it I will learn nothing .... but the longer I stick with it then, surely, the possibility of harm/hurt (for either party) becomes greater?
So I will stick with it, and try to take things slowly. I want my heart to be in it, maybe it just needs some time to get comfortable and make an appearance.
Friday, February 02, 2007
It's been a while hasn't it, ah well, ya get that.
My last post - yes I had a decision to make. I had been seeing three guys, and I knew it was coming to be the time I needed to make a decision about that. So now I am only seeing two, and one of those I haven't laid eyes or ears (or anything else) on for about three weeks, so I guess I'm not seeing him either. And the one that I am 'seeing', well, he is overseas on a holiday. So technically I guess I'm not seeing anyone at the moment! But yes, decision made.
I've been back at work three weeks. It's still not my favourite thing to do. Another decision to be made.
Goddammn but it feels good to be sitting here writing in my blog again - I didn't realise that I'd missed it, but now that I am sitting here typing it feels sooooo good :)
I had a busy time during the holidays - yes, me, busy. I went places I hadn't been since my kids were shorter than my ermm ... navel! Kings Park for a whole day, Point Walter and swam in the river, and I went to the beach (granted it was at 1am one time and about 9pm the other time, but it was still the beach!). And I started cycling a bit more -thanks to finding a bike buddy (aka the one who is overseas) who has a bike rack!
Had a bit of a health scare last Sunday - fainted (which is not so unusual) and had a seizure whilst I was out (not so usual). Can't be anything major as the doc is happy to wait two weeks for me to have the bunch of blood tests he has ordered (after doing some rather strange reflex/response tests on me and an ECG in the surgery).
Good news on the health front is that I can return to having my three monthly contraceptive jab. I'd had to stop as I'd been on it nearly 7 years and that's as far as the field tests go. I'm a little concerned about restarting though as I've heard of folk who had no side affects the first time around suffering from them if they go back onto it after a break. I guess I'll find out whether that's going to be me in just over two weeks time.
My daughter will be going for her full drivers licence next week, and is enrolled in uni doing contemporary arts (of course). My son isn't returning to TAFE, has given up the pizza delivery job this week and is working *very* part time at an outdoor laser fighting game place.
I haven't had any emails or txts in my dreams/in-between sleep and awake time since I last posted about it. No more (real) emails either, and scant infrequent visits to the site. I still think about him fairly often, especially when I see a car like his - though he probably has a snazzy sports car by now. I still hope that everything is going well in his world and wonder whether, and in what circumstances, our paths will ever cross again.
I have had time for some contemplation amidst all my hustle and bustle. I'm reading a book on Buddhism to give it a second chance after my, possibly, cursory dismissal of it a few months ago. There are still things in there that I am dead set against, but there are parts of the book I'm reading that describe precisely where I am at and where it is that I am trying to get to, so it's interesting.
Tai Chi is next on my list of things to do - my first class is on 10th Feb. My attraction to it is the 'calming of the heart' and 'moving meditation' descriptions of it rather than any particular health benefits - for me it's all about the inner me.
I finished the red dress I was making for myself, but am yet to start on my daughters cloak - my excuse is the meltingly hot weather we have been having on the weekends.
Enough blabbering on, I may settle in later and write some actual thoughts.
My last post - yes I had a decision to make. I had been seeing three guys, and I knew it was coming to be the time I needed to make a decision about that. So now I am only seeing two, and one of those I haven't laid eyes or ears (or anything else) on for about three weeks, so I guess I'm not seeing him either. And the one that I am 'seeing', well, he is overseas on a holiday. So technically I guess I'm not seeing anyone at the moment! But yes, decision made.
I've been back at work three weeks. It's still not my favourite thing to do. Another decision to be made.
Goddammn but it feels good to be sitting here writing in my blog again - I didn't realise that I'd missed it, but now that I am sitting here typing it feels sooooo good :)
I had a busy time during the holidays - yes, me, busy. I went places I hadn't been since my kids were shorter than my ermm ... navel! Kings Park for a whole day, Point Walter and swam in the river, and I went to the beach (granted it was at 1am one time and about 9pm the other time, but it was still the beach!). And I started cycling a bit more -thanks to finding a bike buddy (aka the one who is overseas) who has a bike rack!
Had a bit of a health scare last Sunday - fainted (which is not so unusual) and had a seizure whilst I was out (not so usual). Can't be anything major as the doc is happy to wait two weeks for me to have the bunch of blood tests he has ordered (after doing some rather strange reflex/response tests on me and an ECG in the surgery).
Good news on the health front is that I can return to having my three monthly contraceptive jab. I'd had to stop as I'd been on it nearly 7 years and that's as far as the field tests go. I'm a little concerned about restarting though as I've heard of folk who had no side affects the first time around suffering from them if they go back onto it after a break. I guess I'll find out whether that's going to be me in just over two weeks time.
My daughter will be going for her full drivers licence next week, and is enrolled in uni doing contemporary arts (of course). My son isn't returning to TAFE, has given up the pizza delivery job this week and is working *very* part time at an outdoor laser fighting game place.
I haven't had any emails or txts in my dreams/in-between sleep and awake time since I last posted about it. No more (real) emails either, and scant infrequent visits to the site. I still think about him fairly often, especially when I see a car like his - though he probably has a snazzy sports car by now. I still hope that everything is going well in his world and wonder whether, and in what circumstances, our paths will ever cross again.
I have had time for some contemplation amidst all my hustle and bustle. I'm reading a book on Buddhism to give it a second chance after my, possibly, cursory dismissal of it a few months ago. There are still things in there that I am dead set against, but there are parts of the book I'm reading that describe precisely where I am at and where it is that I am trying to get to, so it's interesting.
Tai Chi is next on my list of things to do - my first class is on 10th Feb. My attraction to it is the 'calming of the heart' and 'moving meditation' descriptions of it rather than any particular health benefits - for me it's all about the inner me.
I finished the red dress I was making for myself, but am yet to start on my daughters cloak - my excuse is the meltingly hot weather we have been having on the weekends.
Enough blabbering on, I may settle in later and write some actual thoughts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
