Should I Stay or Should I Go....

I need to write to help me think...

I said I was going to go slowly slowly ... but the separation seemed to cause a rush forward. Now that he is back we have seen each other 4/5 times in one week Sunday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday was really a continuation of Wednesday, Saturday night). Doesn't sound much like slowly slowly does it. I put it down to being in 'catch up' mode, but we kinda went past just catching up and have definitely gone past the point where we were when he left on his holiday.

He is letting me lead; he is not pushing me on this. It would seem I'm not good at slowly slowly ... that I don't want to go slowly slowly, but my brain keeps telling me it would be a good idea.

Two comments made recently though gave me pause for thought, and resulted in a return to the castle. One of the comments made me feel it would be inadvisable to allow myself to get too close to this person - afterall, everyone does leave. The other comment/observation was one that had started coming into my awareness also, and makes me feel that perhaps I really am not ready for this - a relationship. I am/have become too selfish. It is all about me, but whilst I am in this getting back into the water stage is that such a bad thing - to be protective of myself trying to make sure I don't drown? But maybe it's more than just that :(

And yet another observation made just recently - that there was a lot of passion being given/ being put out, but none seemed to be being allowed to enter or be received. Yes, this had been in my thoughts also - that I am not yet open to receiving. My heart is still closed. Happy to give but not receive.

Possible to take a step (or two) back? No, I don't think so. Possible to slow the rate of progress from here - yes, if I can manage to make myself do that. Seems to be a big ask going from recent experience.

Part of me feels like just saying no, no more and going back to life by myself. Yet I know that by not sticking with it I will learn nothing .... but the longer I stick with it then, surely, the possibility of harm/hurt (for either party) becomes greater?

So I will stick with it, and try to take things slowly. I want my heart to be in it, maybe it just needs some time to get comfortable and make an appearance.