Quite to my amazement - considering the helter skelter state of my mind last night (I didn't do any meditation) I slept the entire night.
Went to bed about 11.45, so it wasn't an early night, I woke only 10 minutes before the alarm. No waking at stupid o'clock, no waking up looking at the clock and rolling over. I slept the entire night.
It is for small things we are thankful.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Difficult Familial Relationships
I just need to write about this 'cos I can't talk about it with anyone :(
Mums Had An Accident
I had a call from my mum tonight, she caused a serious accident today as a result of going through a red light - the fact of which she was totally unaware.
Thankfully all three people involved (including my mum) have, seemingly, minor injuries only.
Not Really Unexpected ...
Over a year ago, before she had her back surgery, my children and I had decided we didn't want to be driven by her anymore. Whilst her driving was ok, it had become a bit of a scarey event. I think this became more so the case for my children as they became drivers themselves, and were thus more aware of driving skills.
I didn't say anything to my mum about this at the time, and now here we are - she has been involved in, and was the cause of, an accident. Thank everyone's deities that no one was seriously hurt.
And I feel a touch of guilt that I didn't say anything back then about her driving skills. If I say something about it now I'm sure it will seem undue admonishment, though she certainly sounded really dumbfounded as to how she could have driven through a red light without knowing it.
The other hard thing about saying that I don't think she should be driving is her experience in the past with her own mother, and having been through that scenario with her mother.
Harder still the fact that she lives over an hour from the city and, having been on her own for quite a long time now, she is fiercely independent.
How can I broach the subject - she will look and see the path her own mother went down, and be horrified to think that will happen to her.
And ... More Surgery Coming Up
The accident occurred here in the city. She was here for a doctors appointment to sort out what to do about her back. She fell whilst on holidays recently and has chipped one of her vertebrae.
She is booked in for surgery for Tuesday of next week. She will be staying here with me following her release from hospital, same as last time.
It's good in a way because she will not be able to drive. However there is the intervening week during which she has to get a bunch of blood and other tests done in preparation for the surgery. And these tests have been organised (as she saw the doctor before the accident happened today) to be done close to her home.
She is going to get a hire car. I feel so frustrated, what can I do? I can't do anything because I have to work and having only recently changed jobs I'm still in my probation/trial period and can't ask to have a day or two off now to take her home and get all that sorted out, and then perhaps another day next week to see her right in regards to being in hospital etc.
I really wish I didn't have to work and could just go do things for her and run her around wherever she needs to go and get her into the hospital still in one piece. On the other hand I have my responsibilities to my boss who pays me which allows me to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head and food on the table.
Yes I know if I ask my boss will probably give me the time off but I soo do not feel comfortable about asking.
Perhaps some of the arrrrgghhhh I'm feeling is because whilst I feel a responsibility to my mum (simply because she is my mum) it is solely this sense of responsibility that makes me feel I should do these things for her. Our relationship is still not one of mother/daughter, our connection is not very strong.
And it Causes Another Dilemna
I have just booked myself in for a two day Reiki course, to be held on the 29th & 30th this month - yes this has now become the weekend that mum is possibly going to be coming home (here to my place) from hospital araaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh
I don't feel that I can go off and do this course with a clear conscience if my mum has just come home from hospital. To put that responsibility of 'looking after her' onto my children is not appropriate, it is not something they should have to do.
BUT I have been looking forward to this course so much, been doing a heap of reading and research about it there is no way that I want to have to put it off.
I guess I could console myself with the fact that the course is only 9.30 - 3.00 each day and is only 5 minutes from home. If something really bad happened the kids could ring me and I could come home. But I will soooo not want to grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr a aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh
gah I am so stirred up at the moment, I think I need to go meditate. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. Torn between doing what is seen as 'the right thing' and doing something for myself.
Mums Had An Accident
I had a call from my mum tonight, she caused a serious accident today as a result of going through a red light - the fact of which she was totally unaware.
Thankfully all three people involved (including my mum) have, seemingly, minor injuries only.
Not Really Unexpected ...
Over a year ago, before she had her back surgery, my children and I had decided we didn't want to be driven by her anymore. Whilst her driving was ok, it had become a bit of a scarey event. I think this became more so the case for my children as they became drivers themselves, and were thus more aware of driving skills.
I didn't say anything to my mum about this at the time, and now here we are - she has been involved in, and was the cause of, an accident. Thank everyone's deities that no one was seriously hurt.
And I feel a touch of guilt that I didn't say anything back then about her driving skills. If I say something about it now I'm sure it will seem undue admonishment, though she certainly sounded really dumbfounded as to how she could have driven through a red light without knowing it.
The other hard thing about saying that I don't think she should be driving is her experience in the past with her own mother, and having been through that scenario with her mother.
Harder still the fact that she lives over an hour from the city and, having been on her own for quite a long time now, she is fiercely independent.
How can I broach the subject - she will look and see the path her own mother went down, and be horrified to think that will happen to her.
And ... More Surgery Coming Up
The accident occurred here in the city. She was here for a doctors appointment to sort out what to do about her back. She fell whilst on holidays recently and has chipped one of her vertebrae.
She is booked in for surgery for Tuesday of next week. She will be staying here with me following her release from hospital, same as last time.
It's good in a way because she will not be able to drive. However there is the intervening week during which she has to get a bunch of blood and other tests done in preparation for the surgery. And these tests have been organised (as she saw the doctor before the accident happened today) to be done close to her home.
She is going to get a hire car. I feel so frustrated, what can I do? I can't do anything because I have to work and having only recently changed jobs I'm still in my probation/trial period and can't ask to have a day or two off now to take her home and get all that sorted out, and then perhaps another day next week to see her right in regards to being in hospital etc.
I really wish I didn't have to work and could just go do things for her and run her around wherever she needs to go and get her into the hospital still in one piece. On the other hand I have my responsibilities to my boss who pays me which allows me to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head and food on the table.
Yes I know if I ask my boss will probably give me the time off but I soo do not feel comfortable about asking.
Perhaps some of the arrrrgghhhh I'm feeling is because whilst I feel a responsibility to my mum (simply because she is my mum) it is solely this sense of responsibility that makes me feel I should do these things for her. Our relationship is still not one of mother/daughter, our connection is not very strong.
And it Causes Another Dilemna
I have just booked myself in for a two day Reiki course, to be held on the 29th & 30th this month - yes this has now become the weekend that mum is possibly going to be coming home (here to my place) from hospital araaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh
I don't feel that I can go off and do this course with a clear conscience if my mum has just come home from hospital. To put that responsibility of 'looking after her' onto my children is not appropriate, it is not something they should have to do.
BUT I have been looking forward to this course so much, been doing a heap of reading and research about it there is no way that I want to have to put it off.
I guess I could console myself with the fact that the course is only 9.30 - 3.00 each day and is only 5 minutes from home. If something really bad happened the kids could ring me and I could come home. But I will soooo not want to grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr a aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh
gah I am so stirred up at the moment, I think I need to go meditate. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. Torn between doing what is seen as 'the right thing' and doing something for myself.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Meditation
I am having another go at meditating. Did it on Sunday night and again tonight.
I think I did better tonight than Sunday night; I seemed to get into a deeper state this time. Don't know whether my choice to not play music this time helped, I think maybe it did.
I will keep trying, though I perhaps need to lock the cat out of the bedroom as it's pretty hard to stay in a certain state when you have a cat walking around on your stomache purring and trying to rub herself up against your hands and chin.
My aim at the moment is to achieve the state I felt when I had the Tibetan Bowl massage earlier this year.
I think I did better tonight than Sunday night; I seemed to get into a deeper state this time. Don't know whether my choice to not play music this time helped, I think maybe it did.
I will keep trying, though I perhaps need to lock the cat out of the bedroom as it's pretty hard to stay in a certain state when you have a cat walking around on your stomache purring and trying to rub herself up against your hands and chin.
My aim at the moment is to achieve the state I felt when I had the Tibetan Bowl massage earlier this year.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Sigh
I hurry home, to my safe place, but find there is nothing here for me. Nothing to do, no one is coming. And I wonder why I bothered to hurry home :(
We met tonight for coffee, it was .... strange. I sat and listened to his chatter but felt very detached/disconnected. I wonder if it showed, I think it probably did :(
I am concerned for him, he looked a bit haggard and as though he has lost even more weight :(. It seems to me he has been keeping himself busy so as to be distracted from what has happened. I wonder whether he is doing any 'processing'.
As for me, processing is about all I do. I am unmotivated to 'do' anything.
I stay up later than normal because if I go to bed at a reasonable hour I wake at 3 or 4 and then again at 6, and the alarm does not go until 7.
He asks me how I am, but then adds 'how's work' - obviously pointing the way the conversation is to go - stay with the light stuff his words tell me; it seems he does not wish to discuss what happened, what my thoughts and feelings are about it, and how I really am :(. This frustrates and saddens me as it is the thing I wish to discuss the most.
I want to see him, but I am starting to wonder whether that's because I genuinely wish to see him, or whether it is because I want him to see me.
I find it difficult to hear him talk of making friendships with other/new women. I don't think he realises this yet; how would he, he doesn't ask, we don't talk about feelings.
I feel one of the reasons I couldn't/didn't attached well with him is because it was always in the back of my mind that he would be going back to NZ at some time. If it was going to be sooner it would have been unlikely I would have gone with him. If it had been a few years down the track then I don't know, I would have thought about it at least.... To that he said 'all of my relationships have been long term ones' ........ then last Thursday night when we met for dinner he says in the car ' I'm thinking of going back to NZ'. What am I supposed to say, how am I supposed to react, how am I supposed to feel? I said nothing.
After having been with him tonight, as I drove home thinking about how detached and disconnected I felt during our conversation, I felt that my walls were a thousand feet high again :(, that I am totally closed once more :( And I felt that doesn't help me be much of a friend - to anyone because I will not connect, not allow them to connect, and not connect with them.
And so I am left again with the three people with whom I am connected, to at least some degree - my ex-husband and my children. These three are always there and I believe they will not leave me. I think deep down I do not believe this of anyone else. And I suppose that's not so strange a thing to think, because everyone else has left at some point, for some time. (This is not to forget my Best Friend, who is there as well, but geographically removed.)
He (the Kiwi) will be in this city for at least 6 months due to work commitments, but after that is anyones' guess. Even he does not know. I believe he needs to do some personal sorting for himself, work out what he needs to do for himself, and I'm not certain he is doing that :(
As for my processing, it isn't getting me anywhere fast (de ja vue anyone?), mostly because there is no discussion with him to help me find answers.
So I will try to return to attempting meditation, try to seek some clarity of purpose and role again for myself, try again to seek my true self and peace. It's a long and winding road, and a pretty lonely one too :(
Side note - medical
I think something bad is happening in my lungs. I am trying once more to reduce my smoking with the goal of ceasing entirely by the end of this month. Will I succeed? I don't know, and that doubt by itself makes me think that I probably wont.
We met tonight for coffee, it was .... strange. I sat and listened to his chatter but felt very detached/disconnected. I wonder if it showed, I think it probably did :(
I am concerned for him, he looked a bit haggard and as though he has lost even more weight :(. It seems to me he has been keeping himself busy so as to be distracted from what has happened. I wonder whether he is doing any 'processing'.
As for me, processing is about all I do. I am unmotivated to 'do' anything.
I stay up later than normal because if I go to bed at a reasonable hour I wake at 3 or 4 and then again at 6, and the alarm does not go until 7.
He asks me how I am, but then adds 'how's work' - obviously pointing the way the conversation is to go - stay with the light stuff his words tell me; it seems he does not wish to discuss what happened, what my thoughts and feelings are about it, and how I really am :(. This frustrates and saddens me as it is the thing I wish to discuss the most.
I want to see him, but I am starting to wonder whether that's because I genuinely wish to see him, or whether it is because I want him to see me.
I find it difficult to hear him talk of making friendships with other/new women. I don't think he realises this yet; how would he, he doesn't ask, we don't talk about feelings.
I feel one of the reasons I couldn't/didn't attached well with him is because it was always in the back of my mind that he would be going back to NZ at some time. If it was going to be sooner it would have been unlikely I would have gone with him. If it had been a few years down the track then I don't know, I would have thought about it at least.... To that he said 'all of my relationships have been long term ones' ........ then last Thursday night when we met for dinner he says in the car ' I'm thinking of going back to NZ'. What am I supposed to say, how am I supposed to react, how am I supposed to feel? I said nothing.
After having been with him tonight, as I drove home thinking about how detached and disconnected I felt during our conversation, I felt that my walls were a thousand feet high again :(, that I am totally closed once more :( And I felt that doesn't help me be much of a friend - to anyone because I will not connect, not allow them to connect, and not connect with them.
And so I am left again with the three people with whom I am connected, to at least some degree - my ex-husband and my children. These three are always there and I believe they will not leave me. I think deep down I do not believe this of anyone else. And I suppose that's not so strange a thing to think, because everyone else has left at some point, for some time. (This is not to forget my Best Friend, who is there as well, but geographically removed.)
He (the Kiwi) will be in this city for at least 6 months due to work commitments, but after that is anyones' guess. Even he does not know. I believe he needs to do some personal sorting for himself, work out what he needs to do for himself, and I'm not certain he is doing that :(
As for my processing, it isn't getting me anywhere fast (de ja vue anyone?), mostly because there is no discussion with him to help me find answers.
So I will try to return to attempting meditation, try to seek some clarity of purpose and role again for myself, try again to seek my true self and peace. It's a long and winding road, and a pretty lonely one too :(
Side note - medical
I think something bad is happening in my lungs. I am trying once more to reduce my smoking with the goal of ceasing entirely by the end of this month. Will I succeed? I don't know, and that doubt by itself makes me think that I probably wont.
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