Sigh

I hurry home, to my safe place, but find there is nothing here for me. Nothing to do, no one is coming. And I wonder why I bothered to hurry home :(

We met tonight for coffee, it was .... strange. I sat and listened to his chatter but felt very detached/disconnected. I wonder if it showed, I think it probably did :(

I am concerned for him, he looked a bit haggard and as though he has lost even more weight :(. It seems to me he has been keeping himself busy so as to be distracted from what has happened. I wonder whether he is doing any 'processing'.

As for me, processing is about all I do. I am unmotivated to 'do' anything.

I stay up later than normal because if I go to bed at a reasonable hour I wake at 3 or 4 and then again at 6, and the alarm does not go until 7.

He asks me how I am, but then adds 'how's work' - obviously pointing the way the conversation is to go - stay with the light stuff his words tell me; it seems he does not wish to discuss what happened, what my thoughts and feelings are about it, and how I really am :(. This frustrates and saddens me as it is the thing I wish to discuss the most.

I want to see him, but I am starting to wonder whether that's because I genuinely wish to see him, or whether it is because I want him to see me.

I find it difficult to hear him talk of making friendships with other/new women. I don't think he realises this yet; how would he, he doesn't ask, we don't talk about feelings.



I feel one of the reasons I couldn't/didn't attached well with him is because it was always in the back of my mind that he would be going back to NZ at some time. If it was going to be sooner it would have been unlikely I would have gone with him. If it had been a few years down the track then I don't know, I would have thought about it at least.... To that he said 'all of my relationships have been long term ones' ........ then last Thursday night when we met for dinner he says in the car ' I'm thinking of going back to NZ'. What am I supposed to say, how am I supposed to react, how am I supposed to feel? I said nothing.


After having been with him tonight, as I drove home thinking about how detached and disconnected I felt during our conversation, I felt that my walls were a thousand feet high again :(, that I am totally closed once more :( And I felt that doesn't help me be much of a friend - to anyone because I will not connect, not allow them to connect, and not connect with them.

And so I am left again with the three people with whom I am connected, to at least some degree - my ex-husband and my children. These three are always there and I believe they will not leave me. I think deep down I do not believe this of anyone else. And I suppose that's not so strange a thing to think, because everyone else has left at some point, for some time. (This is not to forget my Best Friend, who is there as well, but geographically removed.)

He (the Kiwi) will be in this city for at least 6 months due to work commitments, but after that is anyones' guess. Even he does not know. I believe he needs to do some personal sorting for himself, work out what he needs to do for himself, and I'm not certain he is doing that :(

As for my processing, it isn't getting me anywhere fast (de ja vue anyone?), mostly because there is no discussion with him to help me find answers.

So I will try to return to attempting meditation, try to seek some clarity of purpose and role again for myself, try again to seek my true self and peace. It's a long and winding road, and a pretty lonely one too :(



Side note - medical
I think something bad is happening in my lungs. I am trying once more to reduce my smoking with the goal of ceasing entirely by the end of this month. Will I succeed? I don't know, and that doubt by itself makes me think that I probably wont.